Dating Stories and Gossip

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

THREE REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

YOU ARE AFTER TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS

A relationship cannot survive if the two parties involved are not after the same things. If you want to be in a serious committed relationship, but your boyfriend is thinking of it as a more casual type of situation, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t put yourself in the perfect position to get hurt. If you are looking for a potential husband, then you should be dating a man who is looking to settle down. If you are focused on your career right now and not on fostering a long-term romance, then you shouldn’t be with a man who is focused on taking your relationship to the next level of commitment. It doesn’t make any sense to pair yourself up with a guy who has different intentions than you do. After you have been dating someone exclusively for a while, you should have a talk about where your relationship is headed and where both of you want to see it going. The reason that you should wait a little while, like a couple of months, before you have the “where is this relationship headed” talk is because you need to give yourself time to figure out your feelings, and so does your boyfriend. Until the two of you have established yourselves as a couple, it is too soon to make a judgment about your desires for the future. Remember, just because you decide that you think that this relationship is worth taking to the next level, that doesn’t mean that the relationship is certainly going to last – it just means that you are both willing to find out. If you have the talk and you find out that he is not interested in making things more serious and you are, then you will be able to spare yourself of further hurt feelings by ending the relationship. If you don’t talk about what the two of you want, then you are going to wind up putting your heart on your sleeve for nothing. Even if the talk doesn’t go the way you wished it would have, it is still better to find out what your boyfriend’s intentions are so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you.

ABUSE

You should never stay in a relationship with a man who is physically or emotionally abusive towards you. Physical abuse is not something that you should forgive under any circumstances – you are worth far more than a relationship that involves domestic violence. Your boyfriend may apologize until he is red in the face, but you have to stay strong and put yourself first. If he hit you once, then you have absolutely no reason to believe him when he tells you that it will never happen again, and you should not stick around to find out. Second chances are not something that should be afforded to everyone, and violent situations are a prime example of the unforgivable when it comes to a romantic relationship. You deserve better – you deserve someone who will respect you and your safety – not someone who endangers you. If you are worried that your boyfriend will become physically abusive when you break it off, then do it in a well lit public place, and be prepared to call the police. If he threatens you, you should immediately call the authorities and get a restraining order of protection against him so that your safety is not compromised. Emotional abuse can hurt just as bad as the physical kind. If your boyfriend is constantly berating you and putting you down, you should break up with him right away. If he tries to control your life by keeping tabs on your every move and monitoring your interactions with family and friends, then you need to get out of the relationship. You are in the boss of you, no matter what. Your boyfriend has no right whatsoever to dictate your existence and you need to respect yourself enough to leave a man who tries to control and hurt you.

LACK OF TRUST

If your relationship lacks trust, then you are better off without the relationship. Honesty is the most important policy for a happy couple. It is very hard to get over deception. If you are suspicious that your boyfriend has not been faithful to you, then how are you going to enjoy your time together? First off, figure out why you don’t trust your boyfriend. If it is because you have had boyfriends cheat on you in the past, then you might be behaving unfairly. You can not transfer your mistrust of one man to another. You have to work on your ability to trust. If, on the other hand, you have caught your boyfriend in lies or he has been exhibiting signs of infidelity, or if he has cheated in the past and you forgave him but suspect he is up to his old tricks again, then you should break up with him. Trying to love someone that you do not trust will make you become a jealous and insecure person, and that is not who you want to be.

Thursday, 20 December 2007

GETTING DUMPED – BECOMMING SINGLE

Its happens to us all from time to time and it is the bad part about dating. Getting dumped is about someone who you spent time with who doesn't want a close relationship anymore. On almost all occasions, when you‘ve been dumped, it comes as a surprise, a nasty surprise. Looking back you think to yourself, well I could see that coming really. But at the time, you were not prepared.

On almost every occasion you’ve been dumped, the partner who has dumped you has been thinking of doing it for longer than you imagine. It appears they suddenly dumped you after an argument or some minor incident but actually, they have been playing the scenario out in their heads for quite a while. When partners spontaneously try and dump you, they make a hash of it. It goes wrong. If someone has practiced the scenario they won't be swayed and will try and convince you to see life from their point of view. Which is dreadful.

Being dumped usually happens when you least expect it and its possible that you were almost dumped a week or two earlier when your other half went through the motions but didn't actually quite have the nerve to see things through. It was almost like a Practise session. Then when it finally does come, its gentle and firm and clear. This partner doesn't want to be with you anymore. They are detached when they speak because they need to be. They have to detach themselves from emotion not because they don't have any feelings, but because this is what it takes to walk away.

The partner who is dumping you has temporarily learned to cope with shutting feelings out so that they can deal with saying good-bye. To be honest though, their emotional state may be fraught but it is backed up by a sense of escape and release and so they are feeling very different emotions from you. They are feeling that they need to get this conversation over and done with and want you to accept the situation as gracefully as possible.

Certainly the lover dumping you is being heartless in some ways and they don't have your interests at heart, only their own, which is why they often try and sugar coat the situation by telling you how your future will be so positive without them and how they are a negative influence on you and the worst two of the lot, "you deserve better than me" and "shall we be good friends". Both of those lines are cheap, meaningless and sometimes very shallow. In the same way, telling you that you will continue to "see" your ex and remain good buddies, is utter nonsense. The world has just changed for good.

The first thing that springs to mind when you’ve been dumped is just how ridiculous are the reasons you are given. On almost ALL occasions, they are not telling you the truth. Why? Because ironically they are trying to spare your feelings. Well now, they have just taken away your trust, your faith, your romantic life in its entirety, even your planned future. But they are trying to spare your feelings.

The amount of lies told to you in one 30 minute period will never be as many as when you are being dumped. I hate the leeches who dump you over a dinner date in a restaurant, or at a party so that you can say less. Their hope is damage limitation to try and get away without "having a scene". I remember one girl, Angela, who dumped me by email. That was probably as low as anyone can stoop. I suppose the phone is as bad, or a note, or through a friend. But remember that most people are cowards. I'd always prefer to know the truth.

The one thing that stands out about being dumped more than anything else, is when one receives no explanation. Oh, you may be given one, but be sure that isn't the real reason my friends. No, you will be given the most trivial of reasons, or worse "it's not you, it's me" Which actually means, "its you". They simply won't tell you why though, because they are scared. Now

I can argue this is a positive thing because by being scared of hurting you, there is some semblance of respect still present. And that has to be positive. However there is no future in having any further contact with this person and I firmly recommend when someone walks out of your life, it is for ever. (I know its different if you have children and I won't address that situation here).

Now scientists tell us that when you are dumped you undergo almost exactly the same set of physiological and psychological reactions as bereavement. Clearly if you have been seeing someone for 3 weeks and they decide you are not for them, your feelings are hurt, but nothing more. But, once a relationship has formed and the person walks out of your life then that person may as well have died. Because you will react in the same way.

What I mean but the is is that it is entirely correct and fitting that you want to lock yourself away for a while, to undergo a period of mourning. You have to come to terms with what has happened and that the relationship is finally over. This in fact can take months or years. Your friends will provide you with a support infrastructure and whilst they are well meaning and want you to return to your positive self, be prepared for it taking some time.

You could start dating again but these dates won't lead to anything immediately, not until you are psychologically ready. Personally and privately, I believe that it is only when you are angry with the person who dumped you, even to the point of hating them, before you can get over them. You may think that's too strong, but out of anger often comes clarity of mind. Still loving them is not the way forward. In years to come you may respect them and love their memory, but certainly not now no.

When someone dumps you, they generally mean it and it has taken them a lot of thinking to go through with it. So do not hope they will change their mind, they won't. You will feel betrayed and deceived and you are right. They played with your feelings. But then everyone has a right to leave and no one has the right to stay imprisoned in a relationship they don't want. So it is your own acceptance of the situation that is the most important thing here.

In fact you are the most important thing in the equation. The person who just dumped you no longer matters. Life becomes about you again and what you want. You are the director of your own movie , your life, so you hire and fire the cast and crew as you like. If they dumped you, mentally dump them too. But don't dwell on revenge as down that path lays madness awaiting.

No, you do need to move on, but only when you are ready and only down the path you choose.
Getting some revenge is an immediate afterthought, because you want to feel the satisfaction of getting even. Of hurting them like they hurt you. But all you do if you publicly display revenge, is look somewhat pathetic. I do not advocate revenge in that way. The best way for any revenge is to get even in a constructive way that leaves your dumper looking like the fool. I remember being dumped by an ex, only to leave the city and get a glamorous job abroad a few weeks later and letting her know it.

That gave me the satisfaction of knowing we were even. Life moved on.
Being dumped is an awkward mess that hurts us and cannot be trivialized. It means that the person we entrusted with our souls has turned round and said they don't want it. It makes us feel cheap and worthless and unwanted. We don't want other fish in the sea, we wanted them. But its too late, its over.

Here are some tips I think are essential when getting dumped:
Don't believe the reasons you are given when you are dumped as you may be being lied toIf you spot a trial run, you may be dumped within days so anticipate it
Don't dump them first because you thought you spotted a trial run though !
Allow the person to say why your relationship has ended but give them little in return.
They want you to forgive them and tell them its all right. It isn't so don't let them off the hook whatsoever.
Never.
Allow yourself a mourning period of however long it takes
Don't start dating immediately, not until you are ready
Do realize that seeing other people though, will make things easier
Don't hope that your ex will return, its highly unlikely
Start thinking about yourself as number 1 priority and spoil yourselfDo not keep hold of any joint possessions or mementos. The relationship is over and mementos will hurt you.
Throw all their things away and put photos in a box
Never hang out where you may meet you ex. Talking things over doesn't work.
If they want you they will come crawling back
If you accept your ex back again you are playing with fire. Better to say good-bye once and for all. You deserve better
Remember that the person who dumped you has lost you and will not meet anyone like you again. Their loss.
Allow yourself to be angry with the person who dumped you and mentally dump them too

Finally, when all is said and done, it is sometimes better to change jobs and even move location to forget someone. You can argue well why should I, but let's be realistic, it may be the only answer. We are talking about your life here, not someone elses'. You deserve better because you are worth it.

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Monday, 10 December 2007

FIRST LOVE

Are we searching for Miss. Right or Mr. Right or have we already met them before? Did your Mr. Right once exist in your former life? Were they childhood sweethearts?

First love isn’t a new topic but I realized that first love is an emotionally potent one. With this in mind I realized that first love must have a much greater effect on the way we handle our love lives that we perhaps want to admit. Until we first fall in love we are in effect emotional virgins. True romance has yet to touch us. We assume we know a great deal about life already and we assume we feel the same way that everyone else does, but we do not. Only those who have been in love that first time know the world has far more to it than meets the eye.

Like death of an adult or parent or someone we love we can never be prepared and first love for many of us is a happy experience tinged with lifelong sadness and oddly, an element of grief. Because unless we marry our childhood sweetheart, our very first Mr. Right and live happily ever after, most of us will go on from our first love to be single again and learn from the experience.I am not speaking here of first dates, first kiss or first sex. I am speaking earnestly about one’s first true love, the person you first fall madly in love with and cannot live without. It could be a childhood sweetheart but it doesn't have to be.

Childhood sweethearts have a huge influence though and mustn't be underestimated in the legacy they leave. However I accept here that childhood sweetheart is too specific. Personally speaking, I was always kind of jealous of those who had childhood sweethearts as that was how it was supposed to be.First love is the first time we learn to deal with pangs of angst, stomach churning adoration, lust, love, anxiety, salty tears that know no end. It’s the first time you learn what a deep communication with another person out-with your immediate family can be like on both a spiritual and physical level. You cannot live without them, you feel alive like never before, you exist wholly for another human being. It is fantastic, it is unbelievable, it’s the best thing in the world and it becomes your life, she becomes your life, he becomes your life. And it ends. In an instant the best thing that ever happened to you …stops.

I may overplay this scenario and of course it doesn’t happen to everyone, but amazingly, most of us have had some kind of experience like this. If we haven’t then we will so be warned. I say this because this may just be the thing that governs who we are. For many of us, our first great love occurs sometime between 16 to 21 years of age when we are still young and fresh and optimistic and ready for life. In that moment we are most open to experience and we are also at our most vulnerable. In this moment we may love like we may never love again, at least for quite a while.

During that time of first true love we open up ourselves to everything that love can bring us, elation, defeat, passion, sincerity, communication and contact, all on levels we had never experienced before. Our minds store away every small detail as part of our vertical new learning in love and romance and we cannot get enough. But the issue is that it gets taken away. It may be we are making a wise decision, maybe it is we who decides too much too young. It may not be our choice and our eternally loved partner walks away leaving us with life long questions that may never be answered. But whatever happens and however the end of our first love occurs, it will and does leave a legacy whether we like it or not.

Okay I hear you ask, what legacy, or is my legacy the same as your legacy? Well no, we are all different. First love in many people often leaves us with lifelong happy memories that are tied in with other close friends, with college and school, with times and places and particularly summers. For others, first love is a series of memories of regret, bad decisions and choices from which they have learned and become stronger hopefully. For everyone who has grown older with the legacy of a first love, future dating decisions are often too closely related to that first true love experience.

The first legacy is often physical. We want to recapture the feelings of being with our first love, our childhood sweethearts, our Mr. Right or Miss Right, and the easiest way for our brains to do that is to find someone who looks like them. How often have you seen a friend with someone who looks like their first love. Amazingly when I thought about this there were quite a few people I knew who were dating the image of their childhood sweethearts. So we find comfort in being with someone who resembles our first love.

Next, we find that we are left with a legacy of the need to recreate a sense of love we have had time to heighten. What this really means is that if we have already experienced true love once, we want it again.

a little, but the same or more even, just like the first time. Secretly, we crave it. Now this is a serious legacy from our past romance because what this really means is that we may not be satisfied by many relationships that come our way afterwards. Every time we date we want it to be like the first time, full of new experience, full of innocent love, with no preconditions. Yes we already now have preconditions because we have learned from our first love. We have set a base line for the presence of love. Next this means that we will be tough in our romantic and dating decisions. Subconsciously we relate our first love to the perfect feeling of being in love and as such we crave it.

We need and want love and that overwhelming wave of romance to be as powerful and magical as it was the first time and if it doesn’t come and come quickly, then the person we date will be penalized for this. We won’t want to date people who appear to be dissimilar to the person who showed us love; we avoid selecting people who don’t show such heightened potential in the early days of meeting. In other words, new dates are not reaching a perilously high love base line we have set and it may be that no one can. We want to date our childhood sweethearts a second time.Next, the first love legacy means that we may punish those from who we don’t receive the same amazing love feelings by letting them go and continuing our search. In the end it can mean that we have set our sights so high that finding comparable love and happiness becomes difficult. Date after date we are looking for something we cannot find.

I often here people say, “I don’t know what it is I am searching for but it’s inside me but I just can’t find it but I will know it when I see (feel) it”. In other words, they know what love feels like and want it again, but until it comes instantly they won’t accept, “I will not make do”, they say. And dating becomes difficult.Of course what we forget is that our first love, our Mr. Right, is probably now some years older, a different person, maybe even looks different. That moment has gone now. It has been lost in time, and only lives on inside of us. I think it can be a good thing if we control it and let it be part of us but not take over. It governs some of the choices of who we are and who we wish to date, it guides and helps us in some ways because it clarifies what we know allows us to be happy.

Even better is that it reminds us that true love can and does exist but that we are on a search to find it once again.To find true love in first love is an amazing thing and many say that to find that twice in a lifetime is impossible. I disagree, I think as long as we accept that we must not try and recreate our first love, we are simply clear minded healthy people who know what we are about and are wise in knowing the experience of love, both good and bad. We should remember not to let this affect the potential of future even more powerful relationships than any that came before. Your Mr. Right, is somewhere waiting, just don't let him be the one in the past.

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