FIRST FOUR WEEKS

Gosh, it doesn't get more unstable than this. You feel sick, you can't eat, you don't know what you are thinking and feeling, but you are thinking excessively. You feel happy, you feel sad, you feel unsettled, you worry, you are ecstatic. You want to panic and wish you had said no. What's happening to you? You are in your first four weeks of dating someone.The first thing that can happen with a date is that you feel trepidation before the event. You may have had lots of dates and expect little but are pleasantly surprised. You may have been building up to the date and its gone really well and you are surprised, pleasantly. You may actually feel unhappy and irritated that a first date went well because now you have to give some thought to the situation. Initially then you need to decide if you are going to take it further or whether last night's promises and optimism has changed in the cold light of day. For almost everyone, however good or bad you will feel some trepidation, even if you are walking on the moon.

For many, the days after a first date that went really well will make you feel great. You feel desired, attractive and you realize that someone really likes you who you are attracted to. But - until you have secured a second date you will still feel like you have got it all wrong and that you are mistaken. When that second date is finalized you will again feel great and this is a real test because this time you will be analyzing each other more thoroughly and testing each other in verbal interplay and emotional content in your conversation. Your reliability and your wit will be tested as well as many other extremely subtle facets of your character. At this stage you most certainly should not have had sex!

After the second date is where panic can set in. If you really like this person you will panic and worry that you can lose them before anything has even got going. On the other hand you may like them and panic that it could all be too much too soon and wish to run without finding out. So this is where disaster can begin to intervene on a perfect future. You can quickly come across as overbearing and possessive, even though you haven't got into a relationship yet. So stop calling and stop pondering and ensure you carry on as best you can with a routine. In other words, back off and be cool. Take your time and stop panicking. If you are going to go out, then you will but don't rush it.

If, on the other hand, you are simply not sure about looming intimacy then again take your time and be cool. The pleasure in the first few weeks of dating is in its turmoil and its passion but also in savoring every moment. In a long term relationship these are days hard to repeat so take in the atmosphere of knowing someone new and enjoy the encounters as they happen. A new relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage and commitment so stop thinking too much and simply enjoy your dates as they happen.

There will be many dilemmas in the first few weeks such as your first kiss, where you should go on dates, whether you should phone, what happens if they didn't call when expected, concern things are over already. The you will move on to whether you should invite them in for coffee, what happens if you want to go to bed with them or what happens as your emotions increase. Once again it is about trying to keep the basics in perspective. Your entire day-to-day life can be affected by beginning to like someone and fall in love so the only thing that gives you any structure is your regular daily pattern. Because of this it is crucial to keep as many things regular as possible. Try and sustain your daily regime, including clubs, hobbies and trips to the gym. However one of the beautiful aspects of this initial period is the breaking of that regime to find small intense emotional moments with your new friend.

People often ask me when a date becomes a relationship and I have answered that more fully in a different article but to my own mind the first 4 weeks are crucial in creating a basic foundation on which you can both develop into a relationships. You will have progressed from first date to hopefully the nth time. If you live close by you may have stopped counting by now. I can understand that circumstances may prevent regular dating for some, but I do think that if you are wanting a serious relationship to develop, proximity is helpful. In 4 weeks of dating you should have been dating plenty of times and be getting to know the beginnings of each other.
Where dating is very very slow then there is a danger it will never actually fire the main engines for lift off so I actively encourage people to make the most of the dating opportunities presented. You see, when you really like someone, you want to be with them, you want to spend all your time with them to get to know them and understand them and learn to fall in love with them. For this to happen you have to meet very regularly to build up that level of intimacy otherwise you may be wasting your time.

The first 4 weeks are critical as they are the testing time. If you get through this initial period you have a chance of building into a relationship. In my view it is too soon for sex if you are serious but too long for just a couple of meetings. It is the perfect time frame to know whether you are fairly compatible above and beyond the initial physical attraction. A month of dating is a month of happy events and phone calls and memories. If in that period things aren't working out, then you can walk away with no harm done.

You may feel sick and you may feel unsteady, but when we all look back and try and describe what being in love is like, most of us tend to remember the first four weeks when we met and use those feelings to describe how beautifully unsettling everything truly is.

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TOP 10 ROMANTIC SONGS

When considering our top ten romantic songs of all time the first thing that one things of is exactly how subjective this is. We all associate music with certain moments of out lives and where romantic music is concerned then it is even more subjective. One person may have deep romantic thoughts and happy memories when listening to Metallica whilst another may be provoked into tears by The Beatles. It depends on what we were listening to at the time something happened to us. The fact is, there are some romantic songs that simply appeal to the romantic ear of the masses and it is these listed here.

For people who are dating, music takes on a whole new meaning. We take out or our old favorites and remind ourselves of the music that makes us feel romantic. Romantic songs heighten our feelings, our moods, our sense of romance. Just like movies love songs are often imbued with a sense of sadness but none of us can denounce how important music is in our attitudes to love. Some of the best modern songs are written about love, dating and romance. It is the subject that inspires us to write songs the most.

Go and get your old CDs out and give some of these tracks a try. Remind yourself of exactly how good some of these tracks are. In fact, why not get round your love, or if you are single, just yourself and try and rediscover your very favorite romantic tracks.

My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
Gosh you may hate this but it is a masterpiece of romantic melodies with the rousing crescendo towards the end. Who wouldn't want to stand at the front of a ship with arms outstretched? Whilst now the subject of parody in some areas, it still brings a lump to our throat. Ask yourself would you die for your love? They'd like to think you would...

Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
An ode to your loved one and sung with heartfelt honesty by Mr. Clapton. The beauty of this love song is in its romantic simplicity. A love song about being proud to be with someone, a song of compliments and a song of love, you can't do better than this for classic romantic sentiment.

Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
Indeed I don't and neither do you which is why this song is such a romantic masterpiece. The gladiator song of romantic modern classics in fact. Steven Tyler in full throttle, rousing lyrics and chorus and superb video to boot. The sentiment is there, the voice the attitude and even the opening few words are class "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing...". Get playing it now.

Back for Good – Take That
OK so technically it’s about splitting up but it’s gorgeous. Who can’t feel for Gary as he sings the lyrics? Who hasn’t been there? Done that? Felt that? Plus it’ll make you home on to your love a little bit harder.

All Time Love – Will Young
Isn’t it what we’re all looking for? That all time love? Will’s classic song reminds us that it’s worth remembering that The One is out there and maybe we don’t have to look as hard as we do to see them. Plus the piano and strings make this one classy song.

We've Only Just Begun - The Carpenters
Cheesy and corny? Absolutely not, a romantic masterpiece without equal. If you haven't played this in some time just listen to Karen's voice. It is like listening to perfection, like chocolate, like silk, with inflection and emotion. My silly words here cannot do this song justice, it just needs to be played. A romantic all time classic, even more so when related to Karen's own tragic demise one month short of her 33rd birthday.

Wishing on a Star - Rose Royce
This song appears in many a top ten list from its initial ear-piercing opening to the drop in tone as we move into melodic verse to refrain. The sentiment of the song is beautiful and captures in an instant the essence of what romance should be. A modern work of art and there was no way I was leaving this out.

Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
Original, sexy and very soave, this is music to make love by. What makes this song so romantic and so sexy is the way Mr. Gaye trapped every word and made us swallow it like oysters with champagne. Its late in the evening, the meal was excellent, she is sitting in front of the fire looking exquisite, what are you waiting for? There could have been a mini baby boom down to this song.

The Day Before You Came - ABBA
I have always had a real soft spot for ABBA and this has remained unchanged over the last 25 years. A super group of true stature and without parallel in terms of music craftsmanship - song after song. It comes as a surprise therefore to some that I select this particular melody for this list. The fact is, the song deals with some extraordinarily powerful emotions and romantic ideas over its 6 minutes of so in length. Essentially Agnetha is telling us a story in retrospect about a relationship from beginning to end by telling with huge irony what her day was like before you walked through the door. Spine tingling and beautiful and the video is great too.

Me and Mrs. Jones - Al Green
Smooch music, kissing music, velvety notes, deep luscious tones, laid back lyrics. Who knows. The point is that this is Soul from the soul - maybe food for the soul if I want to use clichés. It's smooth, it's sexy it's an afternoon away from work with your sexy lover. Its romantic, it's slightly naughty and it makes us feel good. So good it made it into this top 10.Your task now is to go and make your own list and rediscover some romance in your CD collection.

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OUR DATING REGRETS

I decided to take a survey of good friends and find out what kind of regrets people had when dating. Regrets took on many different forms in their varied answers but I thought it was interesting to ask because it often highlights dating issues we often forget to mention. As with many of my surveys, the results are haphazard but are useful in pointing out that we are not alone in the mistakes that occur in our dating lives.Here follows are a mind boggling catalogue of dating disasters that we should bear in mind as lessons learned.

1. DATING A MARRIED PERSON.
or woman, it makes no difference. In every version the story was the same, dating a married person was a complete disaster. Not withstanding the lies, deceit, regret, cheating and false promises, on NO occasion did anyone I asked have a good outcome for their married affairs. This was one good example of how to waste your years waiting for someone who will never leave; sharing your loved one with someone else and spending thousands of pounds on stolen moments and brief weekends where you were not the only person on their mind. Avoid like the plague unless you want to lose all the dignity you ever had.

2. NOT MARRYING YOUR CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.
It appears there are a lot of people who have spent years wishing they had married the person of their dreams when they had the chance. Unfortunately this often tends to be your childhood sweetheart or first love at college. At the time you are too young and there are too many other fish in the sea. In later years you have used them as a bench mark of the minimal level of romance required for potential partners and never quite match it. This leads to a feeling of making do with second best. In turn you start hankering for the girl or boy from all those years ago.

3. NOT ASKING SOMEONE ON A DATE.
This is a biggie because we are dealing with the eternal niggling "what if.." question. This tends to come out as a regret at a time when other things are not going well and you find yourself fantasizing. What if you had asked him out. What if you had said yes to that date? What if you had got married and had children. It seems that not asking someone out can leave a long term legacy. Just look at the popularity of reunion sites on the Internet just now.

4. NOT ENDING BAD RELATIONSHIPS FAST.
Yes lot of us listed this one. There are many of us who have entered into a relationship willingly only to discover to our cost that the relationship wasn't all it could be. Whilst the door was only over there we chose for many a reason not to walk out of it. Whilst perhaps a worthy concept in itself it does none of us a service. The fact is, too many of us have stayed in long term relationships that were not good for ourselves and our partners. If only we had had the courage at the time.

5. DATING THE WRONG PERSON FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
Maybe for sex, for appearance, for contacts, for business reasons or even out of sympathy. It appears that there are plenty of people out there who have dated people for the wrong reasons and lived to regret it. This has to be balanced against hindsight. Looking back it is obvious which people we perhaps should never have dated but there are plenty of us who dated the wrong person at the time and knew we were doing it. No excuse.

6. WAITING TOO LONG.
Oh yes, this is a modern classic. Our current society has a problem in that a third of all adults are now single - and growing. The most commonly sited reason is that we put our career first, especially through out 20's and then begin seriously dating in our 30's when we feel ready. The problem is that we are not as young as we were, not as attractive as when we were 21 in many cases, our body clocks are ticking at a deafening volume and all the best catches have been snapped up. A great many of us appear to be wishing we had sorted out our love lives earlier. Be warned.

7.LEAVING SOMEONE YOU LOVED.
I don't have the answers but it cropped up quite a few times in my survey and could be tied in with point 2. People in love have left and seem to struggle to find an explanation. All too often the decision was regretted very quickly only to find that the rejected partner had closed and bolted the door and you were never going to be allowed back. Infidelity is the primary cause, or more to the point, getting caught. If you love someone stay with them faithfully appears to be the lesson here.

8. NOT BEING VERY NICE.
Treating someone badly in a relationship always comes back to haunt you if you are the guilty party, however empowering it may have felt at the time. As we grow older we list mentally those we could have been nicer too and I am amazed how many of us confess we could have been nicer people to our lovers. I am not talking about physical violence though we all accept that it does exist within our society. No I simply mean being courteous, kind, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, buying flowers, compromising, going on holidays and being romantic and spontaneous. We live and learn and later regret is clearly the message.

9. DUMPING SOMEONE BADLY.
I have done it and I have had it done to me and I regret both happening. When young it was easy to love and leave and I never thought anything of it. As I grew older I had it done to me by someone I loved and it broke my heart. I don't think we every do get over being left in a bad way - no explanation, no reasons given. One day it's fine, the next day you're gone. Dumping via email, texting or phone should be made cardinal sins and it appears from my survey that many of us regret doing just that.

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DATING RULES FOR WOMEN

Guys, if you don't like this, tough - look away now.

Women have some general rules that they should content with when entering the dating jungle. Now I know everyone is different so don't take things too seriously here. There has been some controversy over some literature published recently in the USA that sets out in detail the rules a woman should follow to get her guy (or woman). Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider's 1995 bestseller "The Rules," explains how women should play hard if they want to get their guy. I can understand why some groups would be hostile but the fact is when we grow up there are a predefined set of dating rules. All that happens is that we forget most of them after the age of 21 and then find we need to relearn them.

I wish there weren't any general rules and we just got on with it but courtship is a ritual; there are things that we make happen that excite stimulate, create interest, confound etc. Dating is a long test of compatibility. Are we perfectly matched? If we just threw ourselves together then the chances of long term happiness may be reduced. And yet previous generations managed to succeed on a far less complex courtship criteria list. Many arranged marriages work too interestingly.

In every society there are a predefined set of social rules we follow, from the way and timing of eating to the way we behave in public. The issue here is that when women date there are things that can help them be more successful. If we accept that dating is a game then there are rules to that game and winners and losers. If you know the rules in advance it gives you a head start. If men know the rules by which you are playing you may change the rules to suit the situation to keep the man guessing. Men love a challenge so feel free to adapt rule and add them as you feel inclined.

You can separate rules out into two parts, dating and online dating. Both areas have distinct rules that a woman should follow for dating success.

General Dating Rules
- Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage, you are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
- Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.· Keep dates brief but your men interested. Less is always more.
- Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.
- Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
- Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
- Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
- Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.· Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
- If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
- Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
- Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
- Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practise on a mirror if you have to.
- Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.
- Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking
- If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.
- If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him· Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.
- Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.
- If the guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
- You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.· If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
- Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

Online Dating Rules
- Always let them come to you, don't chase via email
- Block anyone who annoys you instantly
- Place the best & most vampish photo up you can find
- Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines
- Remain aloof and let yourself be chased·
-Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt
- Never provide you true email or phone details to the man
- Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn
- Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy as well as enigmatic
- Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best
- Do not assume the man you are talking to is destitute or sad
- Never ever reply to emails at weekends, wait until a weekday
- Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile
- If you don't want to date married men spell it out in your profile
- A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored
- Make sure your humour levels come across in text
- Do not chat to hundreds of men at once, the delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.
- Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.
- Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results

Always remember ladies that you are a sexy desirable woman and the world is your oyster. Always let men do the chasing and always let yourself be the chooser. Always stay safe and never risk yourself for the sake of attending a date.

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INTERNET DATING

Internet dating is a fairly recent phenomenon and one that is either presented to you very professionally by worldwide dating agencies or by local hacks who are jumping on the dating bandwagon. In every industry there are the cheap and cheerful options, but where affairs of the heart are concerned, Internet dating is best selected carefully.

As single people increase in numbers as a percentage of society so two industries have sprung up around us, those who try and find out why so many people are single and those who try and bring single people together. Our sister site www.lets-get-together.co.uk has been very successful over the years in bringing people together and it is such professional agencies like this that can help bring fun, romance and success back into our dating lives.

Internet dating is best selected from the top few agencies. It is not a case of selecting those who spam you with hundreds of emails, or have banners plastered all over the Internet with photos of models posing as glossy couples. They may well look good but of course, Internet dating time is better spent with quality agencies who know the subject they are dealing with.

For women, the key thing is to go for an Internet dating site that is keen to promote safe dating for women. Very few do this and that is because they are after making money and don't spend too much time on thinking about what women want to feel when logged in providing personal details to strangers. Currently we are working on a scheme to provide a safe dating for women award which will allow you to spot the best dating sites on the web. Watch this space.

Romance online can be fun, quick and simple, but often ignored as a strange pastime by our condescending couple-ish friends. The fact is that it is generally very safe, secure and fun if you use a professional agency. After all , their business is to help people find love and romance.
Here are some key things you should always keep in mind when attempting to use the Internet for romance.

• Use a professional introduction agency, one that has been established for at least 3 years
• Use an Internet dating specialist firm, not some free extra which is an afterthought on many sites
• Use a dating agency that allows free profile registration for all members
• Use an online service that allows you to post more than one photo for free
• Use an Internet dating services agency that has a secure ecommerce system backed by a major bank
• Do not use completely free agencies as you often don't get top quality services because they are expensive to run
• Do find an online agency that offers email and messaging that are onsite
• Do provide your correct mailing address when registering to receive the best facilities
• Don't use agencies that insist on sending emails to your own home email inbox from site members
• The best Internet dating specialists offer you great customer service, look for online help
• Use an internet dating agency that is appealing and relaxed and suits your style
• Don't go for internet dating agencies that pay for glossy adverts to catch your eye, they are not always the best
• Look for online agencies that provide detailed dating articles and advice
• Make sure that the online agency includes their full address and phone number
• International websites usually have the best variety of member profiles
• Find an Internet dating agency that is willing to chat about any issues you may have
• Use an agency that offers different methods of secure payment
• Some of the best dating agencies allow payment in different currencies
• It is essential that you can Browse & Find profiles for free
• Make sure that the search facilities are fast and suit your style of searching
• Use an Internet dating agency that is properly established.
  
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DATING IS A TOUGH GAME TO PLAY

Like everything in life, some games we play have winners and losers. I wish dating wasn't a game but it is governed by a complex chemical mixture of body chemistry and environmental conditioning. This means that there are subtle rules and undertones to everything we do and perceive when we meet someone for the first time. Because of this we will not succeed with everyone we meet. If identical twins both have a girlfriend and you swap the twins, research indicates that the girlfriends will know instantly that they are not with the right partner. So something is going on that limits our success with prospective partners.

This should give us some comfort but it doesn't. The fact is, dating is a hard business and it can wear us down. I am 37 years old, never married, and there are days when I am tired of dating to be honest. Like many single people I try all the techniques and lessons and follow all the rules and for some reason I just don't seem to meet the right person for me. Maybe I am guilty like many in becoming increasingly choosey and increasingly intolerant but I don't think that is it actually. I think that what is happening is that we all go through peaks and troughs in our dating lives and this is what I want to talk about now.

We must be prepared to take things on the chin occasionally and be prepared for runs of bad luck when we kind of despair that we will meet our Mr. Right. This is when our confidence, ambition, the regular nature of our lives and our eternal optimism will shine through. This is also why we often meet people when we are slightly off our guard. But this is also why we have standards and criteria. If dating and matching was so easy we would meet our perfect person within days of looking and oddly this would lead us to feel discontent later because of the wondering about who else who could have met. No, dating is a long slow process which may wear us down but which at the end of the day makes us especially sure when we DO meet the right person.

I find that I meet lots of nice people who appeal to be willing partners but there is some form of spark missing, something indefinable that I can't put my finger on. The result of this is to make me start questioning myself. I think well I have just met some great people lately and there was nothing wrong with any of them but yet I don't want to date them, maybe there is something wrong with me? And then I take a break from the dating scene for a bit, convincing myself all the while that I am better off being single.

The truth is that most of us do end up in long term relationships but we are starting to loose patience. Like everything else in our consumer lives, we want to go and buy our lifestyle from a store. We don't like waiting for things and the idea of waiting indefinitely to meet someone we can picture so clearly in our heads can drive us crazy. I find myself feeling resentful occasionally. Like, for example a trip out on a sunny Sunday afternoon will mean that I encounter lots of couples. They are there, living proof that the vast majority of people can meet people. In fact a lot of couples I see appear to have my perfect dates amongst them so why me? Why is it that I am single and so many people are not.

Well for a start it is an illusion. We don't know how these people are feeling, we don't know about their problems and most often we are witnessing a concentration of couples in a place where couples go, like parks and on walks. Its exactly where we would be too with our partners. So we need to keep things in perspective. Yes there are lots of couples, but there are a hell of a lot of single people who don't happen to be strolling in the park.

Dating is hard because we are reminded about our singledom by the media. The papers have lots of lifestyle pages these days showing loving couples. Home and interior magazines are full of happy couples selecting furnishings for their new family home. There appear to be more happy parents with buggies then ever before, so much so that venturing out is like venturing into the middle of a mini chariot race. So why not us?

We go on successive dates and we feel almost always let down. Out heart is raised and then it sinks half way through dinner, if not within minutes, because yet again we know instinctively that this date is going nowhere fast. We don't know why, we just know okay. Then the worst of all is when we see the person we can only dream of, maybe we even meet them, but they are happily attached. Our friends shock us out of the blue by announcing they are getting engaged and another of our inner social circle drops out of sight. This is true - I had three best friends and two of them announced one innocent evening in our local bar that they both had pregnant girlfriends and both were moving away. They announced this independently of each other but within 90 seconds.

I think as single people there is a growing resentment that we are the victims of some crime, that life is being unfair to us. Even the poorest of people in the most remote of countries appear to find love so easily yet we struggle. Surely it can't be so hard to find someone who is all the simple things we ask for. Someone, who will love us, like we love them. And that's part of it - the amount of love we have built up inside but which we have no one to share it with. Its like being a pent up firework that may never have the chance to explode in glorious colours. This leads to a feeling of desperation. What is to be done?

What we do is we stick to our guns and we carry on. We keep dating and we keep meeting people and we concentrate on enjoying our lives. We prepare for days such as this when we don't feel optimistic and we become experts in dating and relating. Furthermore we become experts about ourselves. We take a good look at out live and we see if there is anything we need to fix. Beyond that we stop worrying so much about being single and being left on the shelf.
The great irony of feeling down when dating and appreciating that dating is hard, is the fact that being in a relationship is even harder and as many of your married friends may tell you, not every day is sunny. However I think all us single folk agree that we would trade that for the thought of being on our own for years to come. Strange really.

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PHYSICAL ATTRACTION

Don't be fooled by yourself or kind hearted friends. Looks matter in the dating game and never more so than in the media-savvy world we live in today. It may be unfair, we may hate it, but it is true. Image is king and speaks volumes about who we are. From the clothes we wear to the places we eat and drink to the places we decide to inhabit, people notice what we do and make judgments as to who we are by how we look.

The very first facet of our self-image is our presentation to others and this is initially portrayed through the way we look. Now I think it's fair to say that most people don't have a fabulous self image. We all know people who love themselves but generally, though we may like ourselves, we don't love everything about us. We may not like our noise, the shape of our face, our hair, and the way we get a wrinkle around the eye. Maybe our bum is too big or we could do with losing some weight. But whatever it is, there will always be something that could be bettered. Just look at the way people who have had a lot of cosmetic surgery still manage to complain. Well I am sorry, but perfection is somewhat elusive.

The basis of any courtship, date or relationship is basic physical attraction. If you are not attracted to someone and they are not attracted to you, you have just become friends. Whatever happens afterwards, it is likely to stay that way. You both must be physically attracted on some level to make things work. Yes, spiritual attraction, deep respect and friendship all do play a part in the longer term but in the first few minutes of meeting we instantly recognize whether there is an attraction and chemistry present between us.

These basic signals dilate pupils, redden the skin, wet the lips and arouse base human instincts. That desire is to lead to the wish to have sex. The issue is that these signals are being eroded by well-meaning campaigners who say that looks should not matter. I am not really very good looking in my own opinion but I do know what I look like. And I do know who and what I am attracted to. I am sometimes called shallow because I go for a certain look for my dates. But the point is that these looks are what I find attractive and I tend to go for people who go for my kind of looks, thus increasing the chance of dating success.

Initial dates are all about looks, about who and what we find attractive and we are foolish if we try and suppress these desires. If you like someone's hair, eyes, lips, and the way they play with their fingers, the way they hold a glass or the way they walk then this is all on purpose. It is all part of the grander plan of matching like with like. By matching couples who are physically attracted, it is nature's way of pairing off. And for the most part it works well. The issue arises where we have trouble finding people who find us attractive.

The first thing that springs to mind is that where physically appealing looks are lacking, so people tend to make up with personality. Some of the sexiest people I have ever met are not physically attractive but they are immensely funny. Comedians are often not the best looking people you have met but are very attractive. This in some way comes from their inner confidence and stage presence. It is often said that men who are not too tall exude character and personality to make up for it. Again this may be true.

The key thing though is that we must not underplay the reality that looks are important when dating. We should try to understand what kind of looks we really are attracted to and what kind of people we appeal to. We should understand how we look to others. If we are unhappy with the way we look then we should take necessary steps to look the best we can. That is not for others but purely for us. In turn this will increase confidence levels and help make us more attractive. People will often say that one should not care about what is outside but what is inside that matter. It’s true. That is the way the world should be. But it isn't. That kind of comment comes from those who are secretly worried about the way they look.

Conversely people often say that for them, looks don't matter. That is not true either. Looks never matter when you already like the look of someone and find them acceptably attractive. Looks only matter when you are not attracted to someone physically. When you are seriously not attracted, then the looks of the other party become an issue even if you won't admit it. By generally meeting people who are attractive to you, you will eventually believe that on a conscious level you don't acknowledge looks. It is true that your view on physical attractiveness changes as you get older and as you mature in outlook. A man of 50 may not be attractive to a girl of 20 but may be very attractive to a woman of 40. Then again a woman of 45 can be very attractive to a man of 30. It all depends.

Our lives and the way we have developed in connection with life-experiences govern to some degree what and who attracts us. Personally, I like long straight blonde hair, but it is as much related to my teenage likings for the blonde singer of Fleetwood Mac or Agnetha from Abba as it is for any other reason. So there may be a link to what we find attractive on an emotional as well as physical level due to the early connections we make.

In modern society, we can all look good and we can look healthy. It is possible to buy image from the local store and we are sophisticated presenters of image through our exposure to the media. But in the end we are in danger of losing a connection to the most basic of instincts, physical match. We can pretend that men and women who seek physical perfection are shallow and outdated, but they are only following their basic instincts. We can disguise and we can pretend and we can plead for others to look at our inner selves first and we can spend months chatting on an Internet dating site to show how nice we are. However in a two minute meeting face to face, we both know whether it will work or not.

Physical matching is not about physical perfection, it is about compatibility. If you are not feeling truly good about yourself when you are about to begin dating then take some time out to take an inventory of yourself and then set about changing a few things. Remember that everything you do in life affecting your appearance should primarily be for yourself but at the same time if you are serious about dating successfully you really should think very seriously about how you look to others. As I have said previously, you may be searching for your perfect partner, but to find them you may well have to try and present yourself as their ideal mate too.

Finally consider this. A survey recently asked what attribute people most associated with being poor and unsuccessful. The top answer was being overweight and the second was smoking.

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INSTANT LOVE

How do we know when the single person we have begun to date is more than just another date on our ever-growing list of nameless faces and faceless names?

After all, surely we need some identifying features to root out the wheat from the chaff. Is this single person we have seen 6 of 7 times just good fun or do we really think they have the qualities to become relationship material?

To answer your own question you need to know who you are looking for and what characteristics are attractive to you and then try and stick to them. If you are dating the right kind of people for you and not just filling gaps in your diary then this may get you off to a good start. Much of what determines your commitment to your date in the first few days and weeks is a combination of intuition, extra sensory perception (feelings) and what you care to see with your own eyes.

If you are desperately lonely and want to meet someone then anyone will do and this article is irrelevant. If, however, you are more choosey which I suspect deep down you all are, then you will want to tray and detect and then reassure yourself that you haven't just made an awful mistake.

The first thing you should do after the first couple of dates is take a step back and be honest with yourself as to how you are truly feeling. Have you been swept off your feet? Are you relieved they are nice? Are you blown away by their good looks? Can you handle the first few peculiarities you have spotted in the? And although they are cute now, will they be in 40 years? Can you see yourself with them 10 years down the line? Can you picture them older? Do they make you feel alive because before you were bored? Or do they make you feel alive because they are dynamite?

Do you hang on their every word and wait for the next date with baited breath? Do you find yourself abandoning your old routine and new horizons opening up? Can you still eat or has your appetite gone? Have you been shopping to make yourself look fresh and hot? Do you find yourself getting in at 4am from a date and do you find yourself having any sleepless nights with your mind full of excited thoughts?

Do you find yourself anxious and panicking? Do you find yourself questioning the intensity of how you are feeling? Are you finding your feelings fully reciprocated? Is there a clear sense of communication between you? Do you actually have similar opinions and tastes or do you care? Do you want to spend all your time with them now or do you find that you are worried your current lifestyle is being compromised more than you would like? Are you doing the calling or are they and how does this make you feel?

In other words, start analyzing the situation as you see it and be bold. Be critical and look at where you are finding yourself being led. If you are happy and content with all the major questions then keep going because you may have just chosen well. If you find on the other hand that you have some small niggling doubts then don't push these thoughts away as they aren't going anywhere, they will just become amplified over time.

The main issue is one of whether you trust your new date and whether you believe what you are being told. It is amazing how many single girl I meet how say that strangely they haven't been allowed to see where he lives, or are not quite sure what he does for a living or how much he earns or where his parents live. This isn't an enigma factor single ladies, it is a sure sign that all is not quite right. There may be some perfectly valid reasons why things are concealed from you in the first few weeks so don't push things too far. You may not yet have earned the right to know everything about your new love. At the same time, you should feel that the possibility of finding everything important out is imminent. Evasive behavior is exactly that - untrustworthy and your alarm bells should ring.

Trusting your imagination is very important. If you can see yourself with that a single person in all kinds of situations then you may have chosen well. It is important to creatively imagine how you think you will be together in various scenarios, from being on vacation, to being married, to maybe having children to being older. In doing so you get a sense of how things might work out or might not. If you really can't see yourself with them long term then maybe better to cut your losses whilst you can.

Conversation is critical in establishing if things feel right. Sex does not disguise any problems eventually although sex is a good temporary fix. If your relationship is based on sex then it’s great whilst it lasts but I doubt that it will last. People say that opposites attract and that is true in that you bring different experiences and opinions to the relationship but the foundation of being a great couple is on a deeper, more critical level of respect and understanding. I find that couples with similar outlooks on life do well together because they have built a support system for each other which require little explanation. It is called a common understanding. This sometimes explains why couples from certain regions, places, or faiths have better success than the melting pot luck of a big city.

Ultimately if you compliment each other and you find that your new love brings to the relationship most of the essential qualities that you really do hold most dear then you are in a strong position for relationship success. If there are some basic flaws but you are having a good time then enjoy yourself but know that the person you are with is for now and not for the future.

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