Offbeat Ways to Meet Guys: Dating Tips for Singles
Tired of haunting the bars and singles socials? Finally convinced that Mr. Right is not going to turn up in the produce aisle at the supermarket? It may be time to try some radical new methods for meeting some radical new people.
Single Dating Tip 1: Take a Cruise
Sign up to see the magic of the Caribbean, the mystery of the Mediterranean, or the beauty of Alaska. Cruises offer all kinds activities and tours that give you an opportunity to meet and enjoy the company of people from all over the world. Even if you don't find The One, you'll still have a great time and come home with lots of stories to tell on dates.
Single Dating Tip 2: Get Involved Politically
The personal is political, so get involved stumping for your favorite cause or politician. This not only gives you a chance to take part in something important to you, it also provides the perfect opportunity to meet someone who shares your values and idealism. And what could be cozier than curling up together on a cold night in November to watch election returns?
Single Dating Tip 3: Try Speed Dating
Speed dating originated among the Jewish community on the East coast but it spread swiftly throughout the United States. At a speed dating event, you are assigned a number. Then you and a man meet and converse for anywhere between three and eight minutes. When the time is up, you move onto another man. At the end of the evening, you write down the numbers of the men who caught your eye. If they've also written down your number, it's a match.
Single Dating Tip 4: Become an Athlete
Take up an athletic event like rock climbing, tennis, swimming, cycling, or marathon running. This will open the door to meeting cute, highly-toned guys who will be delighted to show you the ropes…or rub that pesky cramp out of your thigh. And even if you don't meet the perfect man on your cycling team, just think how great you'll look when you get in shape.
Single Dating Tip 5: Unleash Your Inner Thespian
Volunteer for your community theater. If you're not an actress, there are still many things you can do to help. You might create costumes, work on building or locating props, or take notes for the director, for instance. Besides letting your imagination run wild, you'll get to meet men who aren't afraid to let their creative side shine through. (And no, they're not all gay.)Meeting the right guy can be a challenge, but if you think outside the box and try some of these single dating tips, you can improve your chances of finding a person with whom to build a relationship.
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Saturday, 30 June 2007
Friday, 29 June 2007
General Dating Rules for Single Women
Single Guys, if you don't like this, tough - look away now.In this dating article you will find some general dating rules for single women to follow when they enter the singles dating jungle.Now I know every single woman is different so don't take things too seriously here.I can understand why some groups would be hostile but the fact is when we grow up there are a predefined set of dating rules.
All that happens is that we singles forget most of them after the age of 21 and then find we need to relearn them.I wish there weren't any general dating rules and we singles just got on with dating but courtship is a ritual; there are things that we singles make happen that excite stimulate, create interest, confound etc. Dating is a long test of compatibility. Are we perfectly matched? If we just threw our singles selves together then the chances of long term happiness may be reduced. And yet previous generations managed to succeed on a far less complex courtship criteria list. Many arranged marriages work too interestingly.
In every society there are a predefined set of social rules we follow, from the way and timing of eating to the way we behave in public. The issue here is that when women date there are things that can help them be more successful dates. If we accept that dating is a game then there are dating rules to that game and winners and losers. If you know the dating rules in advance it gives you a head start. If single men know the dating rules by which you are playing you may change the dating rules to suit the situation to keep the single man guessing.
Single Men love a challenge so feel free to adapt dating rules and add them as you feel inclined.You can separate dating rules out into two parts, dating and online dating. Both areas have distinct dating rules that a woman should follow for dating success.General Dating Rules Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his single head. You have the advantage, you are the single woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic single woman drives single men wild.Keep dates brief but your single men interested. Less is always more.Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.Let your single man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
Always keep a single guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a single lady's perogative.Never be available for dates when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.If he is available to date on Tuesday, you are available Thursday.Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
Keep your single man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by lookingIf any single man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for silly boys.If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him
Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.If the single guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you.Never wait for single men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.
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Single Guys, if you don't like this, tough - look away now.In this dating article you will find some general dating rules for single women to follow when they enter the singles dating jungle.Now I know every single woman is different so don't take things too seriously here.I can understand why some groups would be hostile but the fact is when we grow up there are a predefined set of dating rules.
All that happens is that we singles forget most of them after the age of 21 and then find we need to relearn them.I wish there weren't any general dating rules and we singles just got on with dating but courtship is a ritual; there are things that we singles make happen that excite stimulate, create interest, confound etc. Dating is a long test of compatibility. Are we perfectly matched? If we just threw our singles selves together then the chances of long term happiness may be reduced. And yet previous generations managed to succeed on a far less complex courtship criteria list. Many arranged marriages work too interestingly.
In every society there are a predefined set of social rules we follow, from the way and timing of eating to the way we behave in public. The issue here is that when women date there are things that can help them be more successful dates. If we accept that dating is a game then there are dating rules to that game and winners and losers. If you know the dating rules in advance it gives you a head start. If single men know the dating rules by which you are playing you may change the dating rules to suit the situation to keep the single man guessing.
Single Men love a challenge so feel free to adapt dating rules and add them as you feel inclined.You can separate dating rules out into two parts, dating and online dating. Both areas have distinct dating rules that a woman should follow for dating success.General Dating Rules Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his single head. You have the advantage, you are the single woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic single woman drives single men wild.Keep dates brief but your single men interested. Less is always more.Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.Let your single man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
Always keep a single guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a single lady's perogative.Never be available for dates when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.If he is available to date on Tuesday, you are available Thursday.Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
Keep your single man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by lookingIf any single man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for silly boys.If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him
Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.If the single guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you.Never wait for single men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.
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Thursday, 28 June 2007
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
Don't be fooled by yourself or kind hearted friends. Looks matter in the dating game and never more so than in the media-savvy world we live in today. It may be unfair, we may hate it, but it is true. Image is king and speaks volumes about who we are. From the clothes we wear to the places we eat and drink to the places we decide to inhabit, people notice what we do and make judgments as to who we are by how we look.
The very first facet of our self-image is our presentation to others and this is initially portrayed through the way we look. Now I think it's fair to say that most people don't have a fabulous self image. We all know people who love themselves but generally, though we may like ourselves, we don't love everything about us. We may not like our noise, the shape of our face, our hair, and the way we get a wrinkle around the eye. Maybe our bum is too big or we could do with losing some weight. But whatever it is, there will always be something that could be bettered. Just look at the way people who have had a lot of cosmetic surgery still manage to complain. Well I am sorry, but perfection is somewhat elusive.
The basis of any courtship, date or relationship is basic physical attraction. If you are not attracted to someone and they are not attracted to you, you have just become friends. Whatever happens afterwards, it is likely to stay that way. You both must be physically attracted on some level to make things work. Yes, spiritual attraction, deep respect and friendship all do play a part in the longer term but in the first few minutes of meeting we instantly recognize whether there is an attraction and chemistry present between us.
These basic signals dilate pupils, redden the skin, wet the lips and arouse base human instincts. That desire is to lead to the wish to have sex.
The issue is that these signals are being eroded by well-meaning campaigners who say that looks should not matter. I am not really very good looking in my own opinion but I do know what I look like. And I do know who and what I am attracted to. I am sometimes called shallow because I go for a certain look for my dates. But the point is that these looks are what I find attractive and I tend to go for people who go for my kind of looks, thus increasing the chance of dating success.
Initial dates are all about looks, about who and what we find attractive and we are foolish if we try and suppress these desires. If you like someone's hair, eyes, lips, and the way they play with their fingers, the way they hold a glass or the way they walk then this is all on purpose. It is all part of the grander plan of matching like with like. By matching couples who are physically attracted, it is nature's way of pairing off. And for the most part it works well. The issue arises where we have trouble finding people who find us attractive.
The first thing that springs to mind is that where physically appealing looks are lacking, so people tend to make up with personality. Some of the sexiest people I have ever met are not physically attractive but they are immensely funny. Comedians are often not the best looking people you have met but are very attractive. This in some way comes from their inner confidence and stage presence. It is often said that men who are not too tall exude character and personality to make up for it. Again this may be true.
The key thing though is that we must not underplay the reality that looks are important when dating. We should try to understand what kind of looks we really are attracted to and what kind of people we appeal to. We should understand how we look to others. If we are unhappy with the way we look then we should take necessary steps to look the best we can. That is not for others but purely for us. In turn this will increase confidence levels and help make us more attractive. People will often say that one should not care about what is outside but what is inside that matter. It’s true. That is the way the world should be. But it isn't. That kind of comment comes from those who are secretly worried about the way they look.
Conversely people often say that for them, looks don't matter. That is not true either. Looks never matter when you already like the look of someone and find them acceptably attractive. Looks only matter when you are not attracted to someone physically. When you are seriously not attracted, then the looks of the other party become an issue even if you won't admit it. By generally meeting people who are attractive to you, you will eventually believe that on a conscious level you don't acknowledge looks. It is true that your view on physical attractiveness changes as you get older and as you mature in outlook. A man of 50 may not be attractive to a girl of 20 but may be very attractive to a woman of 40. Then again a woman of 45 can be very attractive to a man of 30. It all depends.
Our lives and the way we have developed in connection with life-experiences govern to some degree what and who attracts us. Personally, I like long straight blonde hair, but it is as much related to my teenage likings for the blonde singer of Fleetwood Mac or Agnetha from Abba as it is for any other reason. So there may be a link to what we find attractive on an emotional as well as physical level due to the early connections we make.
In modern society, we can all look good and we can look healthy. It is possible to buy image from the local store and we are sophisticated presenters of image through our exposure to the media. But in the end we are in danger of losing a connection to the most basic of instincts, physical match. We can pretend that men and women who seek physical perfection are shallow and outdated, but they are only following their basic instincts. We can disguise and we can pretend and we can plead for others to look at our inner selves first and we can spend months chatting on an Internet dating site to show how nice we are. However in a two minute meeting face to face, we both know whether it will work or not.
Physical matching is not about physical perfection, it is about compatibility. If you are not feeling truly good about yourself when you are about to begin dating then take some time out to take an inventory of yourself and then set about changing a few things. Remember that everything you do in life affecting your appearance should primarily be for yourself but at the same time if you are serious about dating successfully you really should think very seriously about how you look to others. As I have said previously, you may be searching for your perfect partner, but to find them you may well have to try and present yourself as their ideal mate too.
Finally consider this. A survey recently asked what attribute people most associated with being poor and unsuccessful. The top answer was being overweight and the second was smoking.
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Don't be fooled by yourself or kind hearted friends. Looks matter in the dating game and never more so than in the media-savvy world we live in today. It may be unfair, we may hate it, but it is true. Image is king and speaks volumes about who we are. From the clothes we wear to the places we eat and drink to the places we decide to inhabit, people notice what we do and make judgments as to who we are by how we look.
The very first facet of our self-image is our presentation to others and this is initially portrayed through the way we look. Now I think it's fair to say that most people don't have a fabulous self image. We all know people who love themselves but generally, though we may like ourselves, we don't love everything about us. We may not like our noise, the shape of our face, our hair, and the way we get a wrinkle around the eye. Maybe our bum is too big or we could do with losing some weight. But whatever it is, there will always be something that could be bettered. Just look at the way people who have had a lot of cosmetic surgery still manage to complain. Well I am sorry, but perfection is somewhat elusive.
The basis of any courtship, date or relationship is basic physical attraction. If you are not attracted to someone and they are not attracted to you, you have just become friends. Whatever happens afterwards, it is likely to stay that way. You both must be physically attracted on some level to make things work. Yes, spiritual attraction, deep respect and friendship all do play a part in the longer term but in the first few minutes of meeting we instantly recognize whether there is an attraction and chemistry present between us.
These basic signals dilate pupils, redden the skin, wet the lips and arouse base human instincts. That desire is to lead to the wish to have sex.
The issue is that these signals are being eroded by well-meaning campaigners who say that looks should not matter. I am not really very good looking in my own opinion but I do know what I look like. And I do know who and what I am attracted to. I am sometimes called shallow because I go for a certain look for my dates. But the point is that these looks are what I find attractive and I tend to go for people who go for my kind of looks, thus increasing the chance of dating success.
Initial dates are all about looks, about who and what we find attractive and we are foolish if we try and suppress these desires. If you like someone's hair, eyes, lips, and the way they play with their fingers, the way they hold a glass or the way they walk then this is all on purpose. It is all part of the grander plan of matching like with like. By matching couples who are physically attracted, it is nature's way of pairing off. And for the most part it works well. The issue arises where we have trouble finding people who find us attractive.
The first thing that springs to mind is that where physically appealing looks are lacking, so people tend to make up with personality. Some of the sexiest people I have ever met are not physically attractive but they are immensely funny. Comedians are often not the best looking people you have met but are very attractive. This in some way comes from their inner confidence and stage presence. It is often said that men who are not too tall exude character and personality to make up for it. Again this may be true.
The key thing though is that we must not underplay the reality that looks are important when dating. We should try to understand what kind of looks we really are attracted to and what kind of people we appeal to. We should understand how we look to others. If we are unhappy with the way we look then we should take necessary steps to look the best we can. That is not for others but purely for us. In turn this will increase confidence levels and help make us more attractive. People will often say that one should not care about what is outside but what is inside that matter. It’s true. That is the way the world should be. But it isn't. That kind of comment comes from those who are secretly worried about the way they look.
Conversely people often say that for them, looks don't matter. That is not true either. Looks never matter when you already like the look of someone and find them acceptably attractive. Looks only matter when you are not attracted to someone physically. When you are seriously not attracted, then the looks of the other party become an issue even if you won't admit it. By generally meeting people who are attractive to you, you will eventually believe that on a conscious level you don't acknowledge looks. It is true that your view on physical attractiveness changes as you get older and as you mature in outlook. A man of 50 may not be attractive to a girl of 20 but may be very attractive to a woman of 40. Then again a woman of 45 can be very attractive to a man of 30. It all depends.
Our lives and the way we have developed in connection with life-experiences govern to some degree what and who attracts us. Personally, I like long straight blonde hair, but it is as much related to my teenage likings for the blonde singer of Fleetwood Mac or Agnetha from Abba as it is for any other reason. So there may be a link to what we find attractive on an emotional as well as physical level due to the early connections we make.
In modern society, we can all look good and we can look healthy. It is possible to buy image from the local store and we are sophisticated presenters of image through our exposure to the media. But in the end we are in danger of losing a connection to the most basic of instincts, physical match. We can pretend that men and women who seek physical perfection are shallow and outdated, but they are only following their basic instincts. We can disguise and we can pretend and we can plead for others to look at our inner selves first and we can spend months chatting on an Internet dating site to show how nice we are. However in a two minute meeting face to face, we both know whether it will work or not.
Physical matching is not about physical perfection, it is about compatibility. If you are not feeling truly good about yourself when you are about to begin dating then take some time out to take an inventory of yourself and then set about changing a few things. Remember that everything you do in life affecting your appearance should primarily be for yourself but at the same time if you are serious about dating successfully you really should think very seriously about how you look to others. As I have said previously, you may be searching for your perfect partner, but to find them you may well have to try and present yourself as their ideal mate too.
Finally consider this. A survey recently asked what attribute people most associated with being poor and unsuccessful. The top answer was being overweight and the second was smoking.
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Tuesday, 26 June 2007
ENDING A BAD DATE
The guy that you have fancied for ages has asked you out on a date, and you've spent all day getting ready. Then when he turns up, he looks like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards, and that's just his hair! He's wearing a tatty t-shirt and an old pair of jeans, while you are all made up. It’s too late to get changed, so you leave with him anyway. Where does he take you? Yes you've got it - to your local pub or bar, where he spends have the night talking to his buddies, and the other half talking about them. Then to top it off, he takes you for MacDonalds.
The whole date was a complete disaster. He is not the guy you thought he was, and you don't know why you ever fancied him in the first place. So what do you do when it is time to say good night? How do you avoid the end of the date kiss? And how do you let him down gently without being too harsh? It is obvious you have no intention of seeing him again, so don't beat about the bush. Just get straight to the point. Sometimes being nice just doesn't work.
Being too nice to a guy that you have no interest in, can lead to mixed signals, giving them the wrong idea and sometimes unwanted advances.Making your exit through a toilet window is not the way to escape the situation. Neither is popping to the loo with your bag and coat and escaping out of the front door. It works and is useful as a desperate measure if the date is really bad, but it is better to deflect the situation and call the date to an end amicably. Leaving someone standing is a bad way to work and should only occur if you are feeling deeply uncomfortable.
First off - thank him for a nice date, and explain (gently) that you don't feel that there is any chemistry. You may prefer to do this by phone at a later stage. If he asks for a second chance, and asks you to go on another date with him; you must be firm with him. If you don't want to have any kind of relationship with the guy, then you have to make it quite clear. Don't tell him that you want to be friends, unless you are really serious about being his friend and actually believe it can happen. If you don't want to see him again, make this very clear and avoid any contact with him at all.
Even giving in to a good night kiss will send out the wrong signal and that is the last thing you want. Men are not good at reading signals and mistake many gestures you make towards them. They can take rejection badly but being cruel to be kind is the way forward. You need to keep a cool head but make things clear. If you were going out as a friend in the first place you should make this clear in advance otherwise you will end up trying to explain his advances are unwanted later and he will want to know why. D
ating for men is as tricky as it is for women and therefore you owe it to yourself and your date to end things amicably, but swiftly if it is simply not what you are looking for.That way both people can move forward.
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The guy that you have fancied for ages has asked you out on a date, and you've spent all day getting ready. Then when he turns up, he looks like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards, and that's just his hair! He's wearing a tatty t-shirt and an old pair of jeans, while you are all made up. It’s too late to get changed, so you leave with him anyway. Where does he take you? Yes you've got it - to your local pub or bar, where he spends have the night talking to his buddies, and the other half talking about them. Then to top it off, he takes you for MacDonalds.
The whole date was a complete disaster. He is not the guy you thought he was, and you don't know why you ever fancied him in the first place. So what do you do when it is time to say good night? How do you avoid the end of the date kiss? And how do you let him down gently without being too harsh? It is obvious you have no intention of seeing him again, so don't beat about the bush. Just get straight to the point. Sometimes being nice just doesn't work.
Being too nice to a guy that you have no interest in, can lead to mixed signals, giving them the wrong idea and sometimes unwanted advances.Making your exit through a toilet window is not the way to escape the situation. Neither is popping to the loo with your bag and coat and escaping out of the front door. It works and is useful as a desperate measure if the date is really bad, but it is better to deflect the situation and call the date to an end amicably. Leaving someone standing is a bad way to work and should only occur if you are feeling deeply uncomfortable.
First off - thank him for a nice date, and explain (gently) that you don't feel that there is any chemistry. You may prefer to do this by phone at a later stage. If he asks for a second chance, and asks you to go on another date with him; you must be firm with him. If you don't want to have any kind of relationship with the guy, then you have to make it quite clear. Don't tell him that you want to be friends, unless you are really serious about being his friend and actually believe it can happen. If you don't want to see him again, make this very clear and avoid any contact with him at all.
Even giving in to a good night kiss will send out the wrong signal and that is the last thing you want. Men are not good at reading signals and mistake many gestures you make towards them. They can take rejection badly but being cruel to be kind is the way forward. You need to keep a cool head but make things clear. If you were going out as a friend in the first place you should make this clear in advance otherwise you will end up trying to explain his advances are unwanted later and he will want to know why. D
ating for men is as tricky as it is for women and therefore you owe it to yourself and your date to end things amicably, but swiftly if it is simply not what you are looking for.That way both people can move forward.
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Monday, 25 June 2007
FIRST LOVE
Are we searching for Miss. Right or Mr. Right or have we already met them before? Did your Mr. Right once exist in your former life? Were they childhood sweethearts?First love isn’t a new topic but I realized that first love is an emotionally potent one. With this in mind I realized that first love must have a much greater effect on the way we handle our love lives that we perhaps want to admit. Until we first fall in love we are in effect emotional virgins. True romance has yet to touch us. We assume we know a great deal about life already and we assume we feel the same way that everyone else does, but we do not.
Only those who have been in love that first time know the world has far more to it than meets the eye. Like death of an adult or parent or someone we love we can never be prepared and first love for many of us is a happy experience tinged with lifelong sadness and oddly, an element of grief. Because unless we marry our childhood sweetheart, our very first Mr. Right and live happily ever after, most of us will go on from our first love to be single again and learn from the experience.I am not speaking here of first dates, first kiss or first sex. I am speaking earnestly about one’s first true love, the person you first fall madly in love with and cannot live without. It could be a childhood sweetheart but it doesn't have to be.
Childhood sweethearts have a huge influence though and mustn't be underestimated in the legacy they leave. However I accept here that childhood sweetheart is too specific. Personally speaking, I was always kind of jealous of those who had childhood sweethearts as that was how it was supposed to be.First love is the first time we learn to deal with pangs of angst, stomach churning adoration, lust, love, anxiety, salty tears that know no end. It’s the first time you learn what a deep communication with another person out-with your immediate family can be like on both a spiritual and physical level.
You cannot live without them, you feel alive like never before, you exist wholly for another human being. It is fantastic, it is unbelievable, it’s the best thing in the world and it becomes your life, she becomes your life, he becomes your life. And it ends. In an instant the best thing that ever happened to you …stops.I may overplay this scenario and of course it doesn’t happen to everyone, but amazingly, most of us have had some kind of experience like this. If we haven’t then we will so be warned. I say this because this may just be the thing that governs who we are. For many of us, our first great love occurs sometime between 16 to 21 years of age when we are still young and fresh and optimistic and ready for life.
In that moment we are most open to experience and we are also at our most vulnerable. In this moment we may love like we may never love again, at least for quite a while.During that time of first true love we open up ourselves to everything that love can bring us, elation, defeat, passion, sincerity, communication and contact, all on levels we had never experienced before. Our minds store away every small detail as part of our vertical new learning in love and romance and we cannot get enough. But the issue is that it gets taken away. It may be we are making a wise decision, maybe it is we who decides too much too young.
It may not be our choice and our eternally loved partner walks away leaving us with life long questions that may never be answered. But whatever happens and however the end of our first love occurs, it will and does leave a legacy whether we like it or not.Okay I hear you ask, what legacy, or is my legacy the same as your legacy? Well no, we are all different. First love in many people often leaves us with lifelong happy memories that are tied in with other close friends, with college and school, with times and places and particularly summers. For others, first love is a series of memories of regret, bad decisions and choices from which they have learned and become stronger hopefully.
For everyone who has grown older with the legacy of a first love, future dating decisions are often too closely related to that first true love experience.The first legacy is often physical. We want to recapture the feelings of being with our first love, our childhood sweethearts, our Mr. Right or Miss Right, and the easiest way for our brains to do that is to find someone who looks like them. How often have you seen a friend with someone who looks like their first love. Amazingly when I thought about this there were quite a few people I knew who were dating the image of their childhood sweethearts.
So we find comfort in being with someone who resembles our first love.Next, we find that we are left with a legacy of the need to recreate a sense of love we have had time to heighten. What this really means is that if we have already experienced true love once, we want it again. Not a little, but the same or more even, just like the first time. Secretly, we crave it. Now this is a serious legacy from our past romance because what this really means is that we may not be satisfied by many relationships that come our way afterwards. Every time we date we want it to be like the first time, full of new experience, full of innocent love, with no preconditions. Yes we already now have preconditions because we have learned from our first love. We have set a base line for the presence of love.
Next this means that we will be tough in our romantic and dating decisions. Subconsciously we relate our first love to the perfect feeling of being in love and as such we crave it. We need and want love and that overwhelming wave of romance to be as powerful and magical as it was the first time and if it doesn’t come and come quickly, then the person we date will be penalized for this. We won’t want to date people who appear to be dissimilar to the person who showed us love; we avoid selecting people who don’t show such heightened potential in the early days of meeting. In other words, new dates are not reaching a perilously high love base line we have set and it may be that no one can.
We want to date our childhood sweethearts a second time.Next, the first love legacy means that we may punish those from who we don’t receive the same amazing love feelings by letting them go and continuing our search. In the end it can mean that we have set our sights so high that finding comparable love and happiness becomes difficult. Date after date we are looking for something we cannot find. I often here people say, “I don’t know what it is I am searching for but it’s inside me but I just can’t find it but I will know it when I see (feel) it”. In other words, they know what love feels like and want it again, but until it comes instantly they won’t accept, “I will not make do”, they say. And dating becomes difficult.
Of course what we forget is that our first love, our Mr. Right, is probably now some years older, a different person, maybe even looks different. That moment has gone now. It has been lost in time, and only lives on inside of us. I think it can be a good thing if we control it and let it be part of us but not take over. It governs some of the choices of who we are and who we wish to date, it guides and helps us in some ways because it clarifies what we know allows us to be happy. Even better is that it reminds us that true love can and does exist but that we are on a search to find it once again.To find true love in first love is an amazing thing and many say that to find that twice in a lifetime is impossible.
I disagree, I think as long as we accept that we must not try and recreate our first love, we are simply clear minded healthy people who know what we are about and are wise in knowing the experience of love, both good and bad. We should remember not to let this affect the potential of future even more powerful relationships than any that came before. Your Mr. Right, is somewhere waiting, just don't let him be the one in the past.
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Are we searching for Miss. Right or Mr. Right or have we already met them before? Did your Mr. Right once exist in your former life? Were they childhood sweethearts?First love isn’t a new topic but I realized that first love is an emotionally potent one. With this in mind I realized that first love must have a much greater effect on the way we handle our love lives that we perhaps want to admit. Until we first fall in love we are in effect emotional virgins. True romance has yet to touch us. We assume we know a great deal about life already and we assume we feel the same way that everyone else does, but we do not.
Only those who have been in love that first time know the world has far more to it than meets the eye. Like death of an adult or parent or someone we love we can never be prepared and first love for many of us is a happy experience tinged with lifelong sadness and oddly, an element of grief. Because unless we marry our childhood sweetheart, our very first Mr. Right and live happily ever after, most of us will go on from our first love to be single again and learn from the experience.I am not speaking here of first dates, first kiss or first sex. I am speaking earnestly about one’s first true love, the person you first fall madly in love with and cannot live without. It could be a childhood sweetheart but it doesn't have to be.
Childhood sweethearts have a huge influence though and mustn't be underestimated in the legacy they leave. However I accept here that childhood sweetheart is too specific. Personally speaking, I was always kind of jealous of those who had childhood sweethearts as that was how it was supposed to be.First love is the first time we learn to deal with pangs of angst, stomach churning adoration, lust, love, anxiety, salty tears that know no end. It’s the first time you learn what a deep communication with another person out-with your immediate family can be like on both a spiritual and physical level.
You cannot live without them, you feel alive like never before, you exist wholly for another human being. It is fantastic, it is unbelievable, it’s the best thing in the world and it becomes your life, she becomes your life, he becomes your life. And it ends. In an instant the best thing that ever happened to you …stops.I may overplay this scenario and of course it doesn’t happen to everyone, but amazingly, most of us have had some kind of experience like this. If we haven’t then we will so be warned. I say this because this may just be the thing that governs who we are. For many of us, our first great love occurs sometime between 16 to 21 years of age when we are still young and fresh and optimistic and ready for life.
In that moment we are most open to experience and we are also at our most vulnerable. In this moment we may love like we may never love again, at least for quite a while.During that time of first true love we open up ourselves to everything that love can bring us, elation, defeat, passion, sincerity, communication and contact, all on levels we had never experienced before. Our minds store away every small detail as part of our vertical new learning in love and romance and we cannot get enough. But the issue is that it gets taken away. It may be we are making a wise decision, maybe it is we who decides too much too young.
It may not be our choice and our eternally loved partner walks away leaving us with life long questions that may never be answered. But whatever happens and however the end of our first love occurs, it will and does leave a legacy whether we like it or not.Okay I hear you ask, what legacy, or is my legacy the same as your legacy? Well no, we are all different. First love in many people often leaves us with lifelong happy memories that are tied in with other close friends, with college and school, with times and places and particularly summers. For others, first love is a series of memories of regret, bad decisions and choices from which they have learned and become stronger hopefully.
For everyone who has grown older with the legacy of a first love, future dating decisions are often too closely related to that first true love experience.The first legacy is often physical. We want to recapture the feelings of being with our first love, our childhood sweethearts, our Mr. Right or Miss Right, and the easiest way for our brains to do that is to find someone who looks like them. How often have you seen a friend with someone who looks like their first love. Amazingly when I thought about this there were quite a few people I knew who were dating the image of their childhood sweethearts.
So we find comfort in being with someone who resembles our first love.Next, we find that we are left with a legacy of the need to recreate a sense of love we have had time to heighten. What this really means is that if we have already experienced true love once, we want it again. Not a little, but the same or more even, just like the first time. Secretly, we crave it. Now this is a serious legacy from our past romance because what this really means is that we may not be satisfied by many relationships that come our way afterwards. Every time we date we want it to be like the first time, full of new experience, full of innocent love, with no preconditions. Yes we already now have preconditions because we have learned from our first love. We have set a base line for the presence of love.
Next this means that we will be tough in our romantic and dating decisions. Subconsciously we relate our first love to the perfect feeling of being in love and as such we crave it. We need and want love and that overwhelming wave of romance to be as powerful and magical as it was the first time and if it doesn’t come and come quickly, then the person we date will be penalized for this. We won’t want to date people who appear to be dissimilar to the person who showed us love; we avoid selecting people who don’t show such heightened potential in the early days of meeting. In other words, new dates are not reaching a perilously high love base line we have set and it may be that no one can.
We want to date our childhood sweethearts a second time.Next, the first love legacy means that we may punish those from who we don’t receive the same amazing love feelings by letting them go and continuing our search. In the end it can mean that we have set our sights so high that finding comparable love and happiness becomes difficult. Date after date we are looking for something we cannot find. I often here people say, “I don’t know what it is I am searching for but it’s inside me but I just can’t find it but I will know it when I see (feel) it”. In other words, they know what love feels like and want it again, but until it comes instantly they won’t accept, “I will not make do”, they say. And dating becomes difficult.
Of course what we forget is that our first love, our Mr. Right, is probably now some years older, a different person, maybe even looks different. That moment has gone now. It has been lost in time, and only lives on inside of us. I think it can be a good thing if we control it and let it be part of us but not take over. It governs some of the choices of who we are and who we wish to date, it guides and helps us in some ways because it clarifies what we know allows us to be happy. Even better is that it reminds us that true love can and does exist but that we are on a search to find it once again.To find true love in first love is an amazing thing and many say that to find that twice in a lifetime is impossible.
I disagree, I think as long as we accept that we must not try and recreate our first love, we are simply clear minded healthy people who know what we are about and are wise in knowing the experience of love, both good and bad. We should remember not to let this affect the potential of future even more powerful relationships than any that came before. Your Mr. Right, is somewhere waiting, just don't let him be the one in the past.
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Sunday, 24 June 2007
MODERN DATING
Dating is a relatively modern term to describe an age old tradition. Just to show how easy we forget the age of things, the word condom first appeared in 1706! Due to the vagueness of specific meaning and intent in the word "dating" it is a term that has become popular worldwide as the term of choice for meeting new people on a romantic basis. We don't begin dating to become friends, we date to become lovers, partners, boyfriends and girlfriends. We can argue that the word literally means that one has reserved this day or date for a particular person. Of course dating in many countries is not the most common term, in areas of the UK we still see people using terms like "courting", "going out with", "stepping out with" or "seeing".
All terms have the same function, which is to describe a higher level of meeting with a person than just friendship.A few generations ago we would have determined dating as a courtship ritual leading to marriage and however much you my wish to disagree with me, hidden underneath our modern methods today, that is generally still the goal of most single people. Dating for the sake of it is becoming more widespread, almost like a sport, but the vast majority of people dating are dating for fun and at the same time dating with a more serious intent too.We are a great deal more traditional about dating than we care to admit.
It is till often the case that a single man will ask the permission of the partner's parent to marry their daughter. A very traditional gesture. It is also worth making a note that in Moslem and Arab traditions, dating is seen even by many of the young as interfering with the concept of family and dating is seen as threatening. With the influences of the West, of course dating is starting to invade every culture but do not think it is socially accepted everywhere. Do not forget either that in arranged marriage cultures, many men and women do have the chance to say 'no' to prospective partners, even thought the West often chooses not to accept that.
The purpose of dating is to meet someone we like on a romantic and personal level but dating can also mean casual sex too. Lets not be high handed here, there are plenty of single people of both sexes for which dating is nothing more than physical contact. This can be due to age, attitude and outlook as well as desire. Its easy to take the moral high ground but people like to experiment sexually and like to find out just how compatible they are with someone else as much as about themselves physically before thinking about committing to someone.
An to be honest why not. First sex on a wedding night is a romantic notion of decades past, but the idea that you could be married for life to a sexually incompatible person is terrifying to many.Modern generations are far more liberated than preceding post war generations and consequently their priorities and check lists when dating are very different. Post AIDS, it is true that the most recent generations cannot be compared directly with the 60's generations in terms of free sex and open relationships due to simple health factors.
Therefore dating does adapt with each new generation. New attitudes develop every 10 to 15 years so dating is a dynamic that has no presets you can argue. However, I come back to the same part of the equation as before, dating is a test of compatibility with the same long term goal, longer term or permanent union between two people. The real change has been in recent years with the creation and development of a professional dating industry. From advisers and lifestyle experts to dating coaches and relationship counselors, to dating books and self-help videos.
Then you have the plethora of dating agencies both on and off the Internet all aimed at help bringing people together. Dating hasn't gone anywhere, the desire for people to meet others is as strong as ever, and its become international due to new communication methods. Its now possible for people in Washington DC and Kuala Lumpur to get chatting online in seconds and form some meaningful relationship within a few hours. So all is not bad.Like it or not, we are still the serious dating people we always were, and we still crave relationship stability.
Skeptics can argue all they like that people don't want to marry anymore but I disagree, I think we just have different standards. It perhaps just takes more work in our dating lives, that's all.
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Dating is a relatively modern term to describe an age old tradition. Just to show how easy we forget the age of things, the word condom first appeared in 1706! Due to the vagueness of specific meaning and intent in the word "dating" it is a term that has become popular worldwide as the term of choice for meeting new people on a romantic basis. We don't begin dating to become friends, we date to become lovers, partners, boyfriends and girlfriends. We can argue that the word literally means that one has reserved this day or date for a particular person. Of course dating in many countries is not the most common term, in areas of the UK we still see people using terms like "courting", "going out with", "stepping out with" or "seeing".
All terms have the same function, which is to describe a higher level of meeting with a person than just friendship.A few generations ago we would have determined dating as a courtship ritual leading to marriage and however much you my wish to disagree with me, hidden underneath our modern methods today, that is generally still the goal of most single people. Dating for the sake of it is becoming more widespread, almost like a sport, but the vast majority of people dating are dating for fun and at the same time dating with a more serious intent too.We are a great deal more traditional about dating than we care to admit.
It is till often the case that a single man will ask the permission of the partner's parent to marry their daughter. A very traditional gesture. It is also worth making a note that in Moslem and Arab traditions, dating is seen even by many of the young as interfering with the concept of family and dating is seen as threatening. With the influences of the West, of course dating is starting to invade every culture but do not think it is socially accepted everywhere. Do not forget either that in arranged marriage cultures, many men and women do have the chance to say 'no' to prospective partners, even thought the West often chooses not to accept that.
The purpose of dating is to meet someone we like on a romantic and personal level but dating can also mean casual sex too. Lets not be high handed here, there are plenty of single people of both sexes for which dating is nothing more than physical contact. This can be due to age, attitude and outlook as well as desire. Its easy to take the moral high ground but people like to experiment sexually and like to find out just how compatible they are with someone else as much as about themselves physically before thinking about committing to someone.
An to be honest why not. First sex on a wedding night is a romantic notion of decades past, but the idea that you could be married for life to a sexually incompatible person is terrifying to many.Modern generations are far more liberated than preceding post war generations and consequently their priorities and check lists when dating are very different. Post AIDS, it is true that the most recent generations cannot be compared directly with the 60's generations in terms of free sex and open relationships due to simple health factors.
Therefore dating does adapt with each new generation. New attitudes develop every 10 to 15 years so dating is a dynamic that has no presets you can argue. However, I come back to the same part of the equation as before, dating is a test of compatibility with the same long term goal, longer term or permanent union between two people. The real change has been in recent years with the creation and development of a professional dating industry. From advisers and lifestyle experts to dating coaches and relationship counselors, to dating books and self-help videos.
Then you have the plethora of dating agencies both on and off the Internet all aimed at help bringing people together. Dating hasn't gone anywhere, the desire for people to meet others is as strong as ever, and its become international due to new communication methods. Its now possible for people in Washington DC and Kuala Lumpur to get chatting online in seconds and form some meaningful relationship within a few hours. So all is not bad.Like it or not, we are still the serious dating people we always were, and we still crave relationship stability.
Skeptics can argue all they like that people don't want to marry anymore but I disagree, I think we just have different standards. It perhaps just takes more work in our dating lives, that's all.
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Saturday, 23 June 2007
ARE YOU TOO AVAILABLE?
Here is a truth, most single people are too available. Far too available when dating. Think about the things you aspire to, good clothes, expensive Italian car perhaps, Tiffany jewelry, Rolex watches, a 100 foot yacht. Whatever. The fact is the things we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Things are seen to be worthwhile because they are rare. Rarity is the key ingredient here. The less we can get hold of something, the more we want it after the initial need or feeling of desire is created.
The unobtainable is oh so sweet, from the catwalk supermodel to Brad Pitt, we can dream but we cannot have. And that, my single friends is the point of this article. When you date stop being so available, stop being at the end of a phone, stop being available 24 hours a day and start being elusive. Why? For the reasons I have just said. Create the need and then remove it and the desire factors go through the roof.
The problem with following this brief piece of advice is that it is extremely difficult for mere single mortals to do. When we meet singles we really like we stop playing games, we want to be with them, we want to see them 24 hours a day, our waking hours are devoted to our next date. The problem is, our date may not see things the same way and soon boredom can set in. Worse, by being too available we cheapen our own attractiveness, we become far less rare, far more common and sadly far less desirable.
So what we need to do is train our single selves to be enigmatic and elusive and stop being so available. A single friend of mine worked in a bar in Manchester and was always attracting single girls but he never appeared to get anywhere after the first couple of dates. He is a lovely single guy and probably one of the most reliable single men I have ever met. He wanted to know why single women seemed to lose interest in him and stopped calling for dates so we performed an experiment. He was asked not to call the single women he dated, maybe once but after that let the women chase.
They would leave messages, he didn't reply, if he did it was a while later. So they would pop into the bar to see him but he never offered to make new arrangements first. He maintained their interest levels and very soon he discovered that the single girls were now chasing him! The point here was that he had become elusive, he had an air of mystery now, was someone the single girls wanted to get to know. He was a challenge. It has happened to me on numerous occasions that I have let myself become too available.
I had to learn the hard way. I met a beautiful single girl whilst working in London and it appeared to be perfect from the moment we met, so much so that I threw my dating rules out of the window and we spent almost two full weeks together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. And she wanted to call things off. The fact was that I had become too available for her, I was there whenever she wanted, I had altered my routine too soon, too quickly and too much for things to work out. Of course I was available for all the right reasons but it had completely the wrong effect. I lost the single girl.
So when you meet someone you like, by all means get started down the dating path but ensure that you keep to your regular schedule and don't be available every day. If you are free both days of the weekend, one is for you, one is for your date. If you are free Tuesday and Thursday for dinner, let them know which is better for you. If they suggest Tuesday, you suggest Thursday. Don't call so frequently (which is extremely hard to do) and don't always answer your phone (yes really) and make sure that you can bring plenty of separate activity information back to your date when you do meet up.
For all the crazy forced separation, the dates you will have will be all the more spectacular. For many of you reading this you will think I am crazy or have misgivings about trying to do this and I bet that many of you won't listen when you meet the single person you are crazy about. The fact is, the less available you are to a degree, the more likely you will succeed in getting your Mr. Right or Miss.Right. Create the demand, become the diamond and then become as difficult top jewelers to get into, but sustain the desire factor - that's the way it works.
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Here is a truth, most single people are too available. Far too available when dating. Think about the things you aspire to, good clothes, expensive Italian car perhaps, Tiffany jewelry, Rolex watches, a 100 foot yacht. Whatever. The fact is the things we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Things are seen to be worthwhile because they are rare. Rarity is the key ingredient here. The less we can get hold of something, the more we want it after the initial need or feeling of desire is created.
The unobtainable is oh so sweet, from the catwalk supermodel to Brad Pitt, we can dream but we cannot have. And that, my single friends is the point of this article. When you date stop being so available, stop being at the end of a phone, stop being available 24 hours a day and start being elusive. Why? For the reasons I have just said. Create the need and then remove it and the desire factors go through the roof.
The problem with following this brief piece of advice is that it is extremely difficult for mere single mortals to do. When we meet singles we really like we stop playing games, we want to be with them, we want to see them 24 hours a day, our waking hours are devoted to our next date. The problem is, our date may not see things the same way and soon boredom can set in. Worse, by being too available we cheapen our own attractiveness, we become far less rare, far more common and sadly far less desirable.
So what we need to do is train our single selves to be enigmatic and elusive and stop being so available. A single friend of mine worked in a bar in Manchester and was always attracting single girls but he never appeared to get anywhere after the first couple of dates. He is a lovely single guy and probably one of the most reliable single men I have ever met. He wanted to know why single women seemed to lose interest in him and stopped calling for dates so we performed an experiment. He was asked not to call the single women he dated, maybe once but after that let the women chase.
They would leave messages, he didn't reply, if he did it was a while later. So they would pop into the bar to see him but he never offered to make new arrangements first. He maintained their interest levels and very soon he discovered that the single girls were now chasing him! The point here was that he had become elusive, he had an air of mystery now, was someone the single girls wanted to get to know. He was a challenge. It has happened to me on numerous occasions that I have let myself become too available.
I had to learn the hard way. I met a beautiful single girl whilst working in London and it appeared to be perfect from the moment we met, so much so that I threw my dating rules out of the window and we spent almost two full weeks together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. And she wanted to call things off. The fact was that I had become too available for her, I was there whenever she wanted, I had altered my routine too soon, too quickly and too much for things to work out. Of course I was available for all the right reasons but it had completely the wrong effect. I lost the single girl.
So when you meet someone you like, by all means get started down the dating path but ensure that you keep to your regular schedule and don't be available every day. If you are free both days of the weekend, one is for you, one is for your date. If you are free Tuesday and Thursday for dinner, let them know which is better for you. If they suggest Tuesday, you suggest Thursday. Don't call so frequently (which is extremely hard to do) and don't always answer your phone (yes really) and make sure that you can bring plenty of separate activity information back to your date when you do meet up.
For all the crazy forced separation, the dates you will have will be all the more spectacular. For many of you reading this you will think I am crazy or have misgivings about trying to do this and I bet that many of you won't listen when you meet the single person you are crazy about. The fact is, the less available you are to a degree, the more likely you will succeed in getting your Mr. Right or Miss.Right. Create the demand, become the diamond and then become as difficult top jewelers to get into, but sustain the desire factor - that's the way it works.
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Thursday, 21 June 2007
SINGLE AND 30
Being ThirtySomething is rapidly becoming the crux age for many of us. It's the time when we have matured and have woken up one morning to understand finally who we are and what we are about. We generally have some idea of direction at this age and it is a time for choices and crossroads. Life may have begun at 40 in times gone by but these days your 30th birthday is the age to sit up and take note. It is a time for reflection and self analysis, for checking how we are doing with our ambitions, and coming to terms with the fact that we are passing into a more mature age group - like it or not.
I am not suggesting that becoming 30 means getting older or changing our lives but there are few of us who doubt it is not a time when we start to think - think a lot.Now dating is heavily related to this ThirtySomethings age group because now that careers have been sorted out and a salary is coming in regularly it has dawned on us that we better get a partner to share some of these things with. For women, it may be a time when children become dauntingly high on their list of priorities and the hunt is on for a suitable parent and father. It may not yet be a time for frantic panic but its not far away.
We will not get steadily older and whilst some of us will get better with age, most of us start to look a little ragged round the edges so we need to secure the best dating options whilst we still canBeing ThirtySomething means having more time and money to date properly, to make decisive choices about who, where and what you want to date and to learn from past dating mistakes. By now most of us will have at least on important relationships in the bag though some of us will not yet have fallen in love. We have strong friendships and plenty of shared practical experience in the ways of the heart. But all is not well, dating as you get older becomes increasingly frustrating and tiring.
Your base levels for a perfect match have increased and you are becoming increasingly selective. You are tired of meeting jerks and timewasters and people who simply don't match with you, people out for sex and anything they can get.The other major thing to add is that dating for ThirtySomethings is higher risk. Time is moving on, you don't want to waste more years in another failed relationship so you become determined to get it right so you become more cautious and careful. You are aware of divorce law, so you are also aware that you can meet the wrong person and they could take half of what you worked so hard to achieve. You have become cautious in your old age.
Dating fatigue has set in if you have been single for some time and you feel increasingly frustrated that you will not meet the right person. There is a tiny dread in the back of your mind that it may not be possible to meet Mr. or Miss Right because just maybe they don't exist. Increasingly you may come across unparalleled shallowness, in both sexes. Men can lose their hair in their thirties and women can age in different ways. Suddenly you won't do because you are thin on top or maybe your bosom isn't as pert as it was 10 years ago. You discover that that search for a soul mate may well be bull and that if you are George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston you will always do nicely.
The next issue to hit ThirtySomethings when dating is where to date. In your twenties you were are trance and rave clubs until 3am, or in bars with friends dancing until all hours and still able to be fresh in the office for 8.30am. Now you are 35, it isn't so easy to burn the candle at both ends. You need your sleep, you may not feel comfortable in places surrounded by people a decade younger so you may seek out solace in newer places. It is true that the cafe bar society has grown out of a wealthy ThirtySomething dating society and we can be thankful, but places to date are still not as easy to come by.
It seems that clubs for ThirtySomethings are a little forced, and too directed to in your face dating. In other words, subtlety of the dating ritual has been lost, you are being checked out from the moment you enter the room.Another issue that crops up with dating and ThirtySomethings is the age group we should date. Should we go for younger people, let us say aged 25 upwards, or maybe we like the more mature man or woman, let us say over 40. This really is an issue. It is an issue if we are still wanting children. In our thirties the people we may meet could already have a child or be separated or divorced and don't want another child. Or they may be actively seeking to have a child.
If you are a woman you may be looking for a man who will make a good father. If you are a man you may be looking for a woman of child bearing age and therefore may not consider a woman over 40. This is the dilemma. Age starts to become a factor. It is possible you will feel you don't have much in common with someone aged 21 but do find them attractive, on the other hand you may find yourself drawn to the more mature aspects of an older man or woman. You can go in both directions at this age as you straddle the age gap.
The people we meet of our own age gap now have stories to tell, they may have baggage or they may have lost of baggage. We all have some kind of emotional dross we carry with us but in this age group it becomes very relevant. Do we want to meet people who already have a child by someone else, could we cope with children who aren't ours? There are a great many people on the rebound who have just spent years in relationships that didn't end. They could have had a 12 year marriage and be 31 and divorced and vowing never to get married again.
Therefore, the people we meet as ThirtySomethings are far more complex than before.The purpose of this article is not to provide answers but to acknowledge that being ThirtySomething is a very difficult age for dating and to recognize some of the factors that we are all sharing. I for one am 37 and never married so I know this subject well. We will carry on dating with renewed optimism but let us not forget that there are millions of people just like us, all looking for our perfect partner whilst coping with the issues stated.
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Being ThirtySomething is rapidly becoming the crux age for many of us. It's the time when we have matured and have woken up one morning to understand finally who we are and what we are about. We generally have some idea of direction at this age and it is a time for choices and crossroads. Life may have begun at 40 in times gone by but these days your 30th birthday is the age to sit up and take note. It is a time for reflection and self analysis, for checking how we are doing with our ambitions, and coming to terms with the fact that we are passing into a more mature age group - like it or not.
I am not suggesting that becoming 30 means getting older or changing our lives but there are few of us who doubt it is not a time when we start to think - think a lot.Now dating is heavily related to this ThirtySomethings age group because now that careers have been sorted out and a salary is coming in regularly it has dawned on us that we better get a partner to share some of these things with. For women, it may be a time when children become dauntingly high on their list of priorities and the hunt is on for a suitable parent and father. It may not yet be a time for frantic panic but its not far away.
We will not get steadily older and whilst some of us will get better with age, most of us start to look a little ragged round the edges so we need to secure the best dating options whilst we still canBeing ThirtySomething means having more time and money to date properly, to make decisive choices about who, where and what you want to date and to learn from past dating mistakes. By now most of us will have at least on important relationships in the bag though some of us will not yet have fallen in love. We have strong friendships and plenty of shared practical experience in the ways of the heart. But all is not well, dating as you get older becomes increasingly frustrating and tiring.
Your base levels for a perfect match have increased and you are becoming increasingly selective. You are tired of meeting jerks and timewasters and people who simply don't match with you, people out for sex and anything they can get.The other major thing to add is that dating for ThirtySomethings is higher risk. Time is moving on, you don't want to waste more years in another failed relationship so you become determined to get it right so you become more cautious and careful. You are aware of divorce law, so you are also aware that you can meet the wrong person and they could take half of what you worked so hard to achieve. You have become cautious in your old age.
Dating fatigue has set in if you have been single for some time and you feel increasingly frustrated that you will not meet the right person. There is a tiny dread in the back of your mind that it may not be possible to meet Mr. or Miss Right because just maybe they don't exist. Increasingly you may come across unparalleled shallowness, in both sexes. Men can lose their hair in their thirties and women can age in different ways. Suddenly you won't do because you are thin on top or maybe your bosom isn't as pert as it was 10 years ago. You discover that that search for a soul mate may well be bull and that if you are George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston you will always do nicely.
The next issue to hit ThirtySomethings when dating is where to date. In your twenties you were are trance and rave clubs until 3am, or in bars with friends dancing until all hours and still able to be fresh in the office for 8.30am. Now you are 35, it isn't so easy to burn the candle at both ends. You need your sleep, you may not feel comfortable in places surrounded by people a decade younger so you may seek out solace in newer places. It is true that the cafe bar society has grown out of a wealthy ThirtySomething dating society and we can be thankful, but places to date are still not as easy to come by.
It seems that clubs for ThirtySomethings are a little forced, and too directed to in your face dating. In other words, subtlety of the dating ritual has been lost, you are being checked out from the moment you enter the room.Another issue that crops up with dating and ThirtySomethings is the age group we should date. Should we go for younger people, let us say aged 25 upwards, or maybe we like the more mature man or woman, let us say over 40. This really is an issue. It is an issue if we are still wanting children. In our thirties the people we may meet could already have a child or be separated or divorced and don't want another child. Or they may be actively seeking to have a child.
If you are a woman you may be looking for a man who will make a good father. If you are a man you may be looking for a woman of child bearing age and therefore may not consider a woman over 40. This is the dilemma. Age starts to become a factor. It is possible you will feel you don't have much in common with someone aged 21 but do find them attractive, on the other hand you may find yourself drawn to the more mature aspects of an older man or woman. You can go in both directions at this age as you straddle the age gap.
The people we meet of our own age gap now have stories to tell, they may have baggage or they may have lost of baggage. We all have some kind of emotional dross we carry with us but in this age group it becomes very relevant. Do we want to meet people who already have a child by someone else, could we cope with children who aren't ours? There are a great many people on the rebound who have just spent years in relationships that didn't end. They could have had a 12 year marriage and be 31 and divorced and vowing never to get married again.
Therefore, the people we meet as ThirtySomethings are far more complex than before.The purpose of this article is not to provide answers but to acknowledge that being ThirtySomething is a very difficult age for dating and to recognize some of the factors that we are all sharing. I for one am 37 and never married so I know this subject well. We will carry on dating with renewed optimism but let us not forget that there are millions of people just like us, all looking for our perfect partner whilst coping with the issues stated.
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Wednesday, 20 June 2007
POTENTIAL PARTNERS - WHAT DO WE LOOK FOR?
Dating can be as tricky a business as can trying to find a date. When we begin dating, we often forget to consider what we are looking for in others we would like to meet. We set off with a definite view of the perfect dating partner. The moment we are introduced to someone, or view some photos of on line dating profiles or personal ads online – we forget everything! Why is this? Because we are swayed by many factors, in other words, we are not as set in our ways as much as we like to think we are.
Beauty, of course, often holds sway. However much we like to say we are not, there are few of us who wouldn’t date someone attractive. It is in our blood and we would usually say yes to an attractive person. Beauty tends to rub off on those around it, so if we associate ourselves with what we consider are good looks we immediately feel good about ourselves also. Most of us are not models and therefore we tend not to meet those who are but we notice it in the things around us. If you can appreciate something beautiful, then you can also appreciate someone beautiful. To ignore it is a lie.
However, if we simply lived and dated by beauty alone we would be too shallow to succeed in any real sense. We would have 2 dimensional personalities and be uninteresting in any meaningful way. It is often leveled as a criticism in attractive single people that they don’t have very strong personalities because they have traded on their looks for too long. Conversely, a conventionally unattractive single person can often have a strong and interesting personality to make up for the lack of attractiveness in a physical sense. So it’s clear that as an isolating factor beauty (or more specifically, physical attraction) is to some extent important but it is not the only important thing when dating others.
We look for humor in a single person because we want them to feel good by dating us and we want them to feel good about themselves in their decisions. We also want ourselves to feel good and to relax and have fun and a great time when dating. Therefore when we date someone, humor is a must if we are going to ever reach a level of relaxation in the company of that person. Laughter and humor is about creating a mental connection and understanding about the world around us. It is a demonstration of a commonly accepted set of beliefs between us and it allows a demonstration of a level of understanding quickly not known in almost any other form.
When dating others, we look for eye contact upon meeting because it is the most direct sense of understanding and truth and honesty. We almost always look at each other’s eyes first when we meet as this is where we first find attraction. It is beyond me here to explain why that may be but I do like the expression that our eyes are the gateway to the soul. I tend to agree. The smallest change in the glint of our eye conveys so many emotions and it is thus that we first begin our instant relationship.
When dating others we look for common understanding and acceptance. We do not seek partners as judges but as part of our own emotional support system. We like to admire and to be admired, however subtly. In another parlance, we would say that we appreciate and like being appreciated. Either way, we enjoy the company of another because we make each other feel good about themselves. It’s an unspoken understanding. Where relationships begin to crack later is where the understanding and support is replaced by criticism due to internal frustrations of lack of support. Initially when we date, this understanding and acceptance is displayed through many different methods from conversation and laughter in agreement on a topic, to agreement in places to visit on dates and food to eat, drinks to consume, movies to go see etc. It’s all part of agreeing based on a common understanding, finding the common ground between us.
We look for honesty and truth when dating. It can be like one long test, especially when we are not new to the dating game and have had our fingers burned previously. We know that it is within everyone to embellish the truth and unfortunately part of the dating ritual is to talk ourselves up, so sell ourselves as worthy. When this happens we must be careful not to go too far and add things that are untrue. Later our burgeoning relationship could fall apart through such white lies. And yet there are too few of us who stick 100% to the truth alone. There will come a point when we all add in some substance to our conversations to help our image to our date and to be honest this can all be part of the fun. But the basis of honesty has to be maintained when dating otherwise it is a pointless exercise. We are looking to share our quality time with someone so let’s be truthful from the outset.
There is an argument that when we are dating we are seeking someone like ourselves, a reflection of what we already feel about ourselves and the world around us. I think that is a mistaken view. I think what this theory really means is that we want to love and be loved and to allow this to happen we hope to find someone who not only matches some set of important criteria that we set ourselves but also someone who sees the world as we do. Not exactly perhaps, but close enough that we can grow further both as individuals and as a couple.
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Dating can be as tricky a business as can trying to find a date. When we begin dating, we often forget to consider what we are looking for in others we would like to meet. We set off with a definite view of the perfect dating partner. The moment we are introduced to someone, or view some photos of on line dating profiles or personal ads online – we forget everything! Why is this? Because we are swayed by many factors, in other words, we are not as set in our ways as much as we like to think we are.
Beauty, of course, often holds sway. However much we like to say we are not, there are few of us who wouldn’t date someone attractive. It is in our blood and we would usually say yes to an attractive person. Beauty tends to rub off on those around it, so if we associate ourselves with what we consider are good looks we immediately feel good about ourselves also. Most of us are not models and therefore we tend not to meet those who are but we notice it in the things around us. If you can appreciate something beautiful, then you can also appreciate someone beautiful. To ignore it is a lie.
However, if we simply lived and dated by beauty alone we would be too shallow to succeed in any real sense. We would have 2 dimensional personalities and be uninteresting in any meaningful way. It is often leveled as a criticism in attractive single people that they don’t have very strong personalities because they have traded on their looks for too long. Conversely, a conventionally unattractive single person can often have a strong and interesting personality to make up for the lack of attractiveness in a physical sense. So it’s clear that as an isolating factor beauty (or more specifically, physical attraction) is to some extent important but it is not the only important thing when dating others.
We look for humor in a single person because we want them to feel good by dating us and we want them to feel good about themselves in their decisions. We also want ourselves to feel good and to relax and have fun and a great time when dating. Therefore when we date someone, humor is a must if we are going to ever reach a level of relaxation in the company of that person. Laughter and humor is about creating a mental connection and understanding about the world around us. It is a demonstration of a commonly accepted set of beliefs between us and it allows a demonstration of a level of understanding quickly not known in almost any other form.
When dating others, we look for eye contact upon meeting because it is the most direct sense of understanding and truth and honesty. We almost always look at each other’s eyes first when we meet as this is where we first find attraction. It is beyond me here to explain why that may be but I do like the expression that our eyes are the gateway to the soul. I tend to agree. The smallest change in the glint of our eye conveys so many emotions and it is thus that we first begin our instant relationship.
When dating others we look for common understanding and acceptance. We do not seek partners as judges but as part of our own emotional support system. We like to admire and to be admired, however subtly. In another parlance, we would say that we appreciate and like being appreciated. Either way, we enjoy the company of another because we make each other feel good about themselves. It’s an unspoken understanding. Where relationships begin to crack later is where the understanding and support is replaced by criticism due to internal frustrations of lack of support. Initially when we date, this understanding and acceptance is displayed through many different methods from conversation and laughter in agreement on a topic, to agreement in places to visit on dates and food to eat, drinks to consume, movies to go see etc. It’s all part of agreeing based on a common understanding, finding the common ground between us.
We look for honesty and truth when dating. It can be like one long test, especially when we are not new to the dating game and have had our fingers burned previously. We know that it is within everyone to embellish the truth and unfortunately part of the dating ritual is to talk ourselves up, so sell ourselves as worthy. When this happens we must be careful not to go too far and add things that are untrue. Later our burgeoning relationship could fall apart through such white lies. And yet there are too few of us who stick 100% to the truth alone. There will come a point when we all add in some substance to our conversations to help our image to our date and to be honest this can all be part of the fun. But the basis of honesty has to be maintained when dating otherwise it is a pointless exercise. We are looking to share our quality time with someone so let’s be truthful from the outset.
There is an argument that when we are dating we are seeking someone like ourselves, a reflection of what we already feel about ourselves and the world around us. I think that is a mistaken view. I think what this theory really means is that we want to love and be loved and to allow this to happen we hope to find someone who not only matches some set of important criteria that we set ourselves but also someone who sees the world as we do. Not exactly perhaps, but close enough that we can grow further both as individuals and as a couple.
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