TALKING ABOUT COMMITMENT

No one can deny that romantic relationships are complex, but most of the time we (particularly men) try not to analyze and dissect them. Open communication sounds great on paper, but in practice we tend not to encourage too many serious discussions with our romantic partners. Dating is supposed to be about the dinners and the dancing and the lighthearted moments, not necessarily awkward conversations about commitments, goals and lifetime plans. But at some point in a promising relationship, both partners must delineate where they see their relationship heading and what they are willing to do in order to get it there.

Conversations about commitment should be taken seriously, but they don't have to be deadly serious. The trick is to have the conversation when it feels like a natural progression of the relationship. There is nothing worse than one partner assuming too many facts not in evidence. It's not uncommon for one partner to develop a stronger need for commitment than the other.

If a conversation about commitment occurs too soon or with a partner who is not on the same wavelength, the results can be very painful. It pays to hold off on any commitment discussion until both partners have already demonstrated a sense of unspoken commitment.It's not wrong for one partner to seek a more committed relationship than the other seems willing to pursue, but it IS wrong to seek a commitment through intimidation or sheer force of will. If the relationship itself remains strong and healthy, eventually both partners should come to a meeting of the minds regarding commitment. If no such meeting occurs, then perhaps the relationship does not have the proper foundation for future commitment.

No amount of conversation can change this basic flaw in a casual relationship.Once it becomes obvious that both partners are ready to take their relationship to a deeper level, the time for an actual conversation has come. Most professional counselors emphasize the concept of 'open communication', but they often leave out one important consideration - truly open communication is extremely difficult. In order to have a constructive conversation, try to be in a place where you both feel completely comfortable and protected.

If you feel like being the initiator of the conversation about commitment, take a few deep breaths and collect your thoughts. This conversation is going to be awkward and scary and exhiliarating and all those other emotions connected with any serious talk with a potential life mate. You may feel like you're taking a tremendous risk, simply because you ARE taking a risk. This wonderful, funny, exciting casual dating partner could indeed turn around and walk straight out the door.

You have every right to be nervous, but you also have the right to benefit from a committed, deeper relationship.If everything seems to be going well with your conversation, allow it to ebb and flow without definitive answers. You want your partner to open up and share thoughts and plans he or she might feel are private. The best thing one can hope for is that the other partner has also been considering this conversation and is willing to listen with an open heart.

Once you've defined where you'd like to see this relationship go- monogamous dating, engagement, marriage- then you've said all you can really say. It's up to your partner to receive and process this information before giving you a thoughtful response. This is a very delicate time in any relationship, because either the feelings are going to be reciprocated or the other party will pull away emotionally.

Once the subject of commitment has been broached, you should continue to work on the relationship even if your partner hasn't given you a response. Some couples fear that once a serious issue has arisen in their relationship, the overall partnership will no longer be fun or lighthearted.You can ask your partner to join you in a committed relationship on Wednesday and still go see the ballgame on Saturday or watch a good movie on Sunday.

Certainly a relationship may have some uncomfortable moments following a deep conversation, but it should still be fulfilling to both partners. Committed couples will often discover that their lives become a little more complicated as the relationship grows. Some people find it difficult to make decisions based on mutual needs, while others may have problems with fidelity in general. Having the conversation about commitment is only the first step towards a healthy monogamous lifestyle.

Staying true to those promises requires constant vigilance and reinforcement. Demonstrate to your partner the benefits of always having someone in his or her corner. Showing your partner the payoff for a committed relationship should make his or her decision much easier.

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